Singing for a smaller me

Last week I challenged myself to get back into the groove of working out. The challenge was pretty cut and dry: workout three times a week for thirty minutes over the next four weeks for a total of at least twelve workouts. Extra Workouts in a week do not carry over to the next week. My thought process was pretty simple: get moving, stop obsessing over not meeting lofty goals, and have fun with working out again.

Week One was certainly succesful. It's like something broke through after saying I didn't have to workout five days a week for an hour a day. Suddenly, the energy to pull myself off the couch after work, change into my workout clothes, and throw on a DVD magically appeared. Better yet, I felt no guilt for taking more than one day off in a row, and my energy levels are getting back to where they should be. Go fig.

Progress on the Getting My Groove Back Challenge:

Getting My Groove Back Challenge:
March 22 - April 18, 2010: 4 weeks, 3 workouts a week, at least 12 workouts

Week 1 (3/22 - 3/28): 4/3 Total: 4 workouts total

• Monday - Jillian Michaels Thirty Day Shred


• Tuesday - Day Off


• Wednesday - Petra Kolber's Bootcamp Boogie and Upper Body Workout


• Thursday - Belly Dance Workout and Lower Body Workout


• Friday - Day Off


• Saturday - Day Off


• Sunday - Weight Watchers Gettin' Fit Workout (High Intensity); Quick Fix Cardio Kickboxing Work Out, Upper Body Focus

• Monday - Yoga Booty Ballet

A combination of factors including a whole heap of unforseen stress left me with the decision to not track food this weekend. I know! I know! During stressful times the first thing I should do is track my food. On the other hand, it seemed as good a time as any to practice intuitive eating and see if it works.

And I'm going to have to call me and intuitive eating an unequivocal FAIL. Maybe it's because I don't trust myself or my stomach to accurately send the hungry and full signals, but this weekend's experiment confirmed what I feared: me and intuitive eating do NOT mix. The signals are broken. If there's food in front of me I'm going to eat it.

However, I might have set the experiment up for failure. Starting on a day including a tea party birthday party (with tea sandwiches! and petit fours! and scones!), followed by a trip to Outback Steakhouse with wine, and ending with two large gin and tonics doesn't seem so much like an experiment but a trip to that wonderous place: Cheat Land. And it's probably not the best idea to schedule the next morning's brunch for dim sum while consuming the last of the second aforementioned gin and tonic.

Okay, this wasn't so much an experiment in intuitive eating as it was me being lazy and not wanting to track what foods I ate. Fortunately, I didn't stray too far from the path and managed to keep most of my food choices on the healthier side even if I did eat too much.

Valuable lesson I've learned: once I've finished eating what I planned to eat, I need it gone from in front of me immediately or I will keep on eating. I had to pour dressing, water, and half and half all over the won ton strips from the Chopped Ahi Tuna Salad I had at Outback or I would have eaten all of them, not the pinch I had in my salad.

I'll say this for certain: me and food have a problem. If I'm not constantly vigilant, I'll go right back down the road to regaining the forty pounds it's taken me five months to lose!

All told it was a pretty good week, even if it had its ups and downs. Frankly, I've been feeling a bit emo, and to watch what I write so that I don't include little tidbits like "if anyone even cares" or "yeah, whatever, I don't care". There's the random crying in the morning as I shower for no good reason thing which tends to throw me a bit off. And that whole feeling like the little fat kid picked last in school because no one likes them. Yeah, all brought to you by *that* point in my cycle. Lovely.

I hate that helpless, slave to my emotions feeling. And I'm a really, really, really, really, really, really emotional person. Bet you can guess my eating trigger?? Huh?

I'm starting to get back into the groove of singing again, which, I'll tell you, took several weeks to set back in. Practicing every day is something I had to work back up to, but it takes much the same discipline as working out. Go figure. I have an audition on Saturday, a concert on Sunday, and audition paperwork and phone calls to make over the next five days. Ah, real life, you've come back to bite me in the ass.

Maybe I'll be too busy to feel emo soon, huh?

Anyhow, on to the weigh-in:

This Week's Stats

Starting Weight: 291.6

Previous Weight: 255.0 lbs
Current Weight: 251.2 lbs
Difference: -3.8 lbs

Total Weight Removed: -40.4 lbs!!!!!!!

Oh, excuse me, I can't hear you over the sound of my awesomeness. What was that? Oh, yeah, I've removed forty freaking pounds. My happy dance, let me show it you.

If that isn't cool enough, it also means that the hubby and I are going to go see Wicked as my forty pound Goal Reward!!!

And as the cherry on top, I get to say good-bye to the Second Twenty Pounds and hello to the Third Twenty Pounds. That's right, I'm now on my way to losing 60 lbs. Wow.

Finally, I challenged myself to get back into the groove of working out, and - wouldn't you know it - I found my mojo! It was there waiting for me all along, I just needed to get back to basics.

Progress on the Getting My Groove Back Challenge:

Getting My Groove Back Challenge:
March 22 - April 18, 2010: 4 weeks, 3 workouts a week, at least 12 workouts

Week 1 (3/22 - 3/28): 3/3 Total: 3 (W00t!!)

• Monday - Jillian Michaels Thirty Day Shred (Holllaaa!!!)


• Tuesday - Day Off


• Wednesday - Petra Kolber's Bootcamp Boogie and Upper Body Workout


• Thursday - Belly Dance Workout and Lower Body Workout

I'm a traitor. An awful, evil traitor. An awful, evil traitor who has done the worst and most awful thing a traitor can do. By embarking on a journey to rid myself of this excess weight and aiming to become healthy and get fit, I am a traitor to the fat subculture.

A traitor to the fat subculture? Seriously? I don't know how making your health a priority is betraying the overweight/obese population of the world, but there are a number of people out there who think what I'm doing right now is wrong. They say I should learn to accept myself. They say I should be happy with my size. They say a whole lot of other things too. I say Bah!

Yes, on the outside I present the appearance of being a happy, healthy fat person. I've got a loving husband, great friends, a good life. Hell, I could be the freaking spokesperson for Fat Acceptance. But guess what? I'm not healthy, I'm happy with the things in my life, but every day I'm packing this extra weight I feel bogged down, my body hurts, my knees creak, my lower back hurts if I stand for too long. Don't get me wrong, I like who I am, but the way I feel is an entirely different story.

I appreciate what the Healthy at Every Size and Fat Acceptance Movements are trying to accomplish, but telling me I'm setting back their movements by trying to lose weight? You've got to be kidding me. I'm trying to prolong my life here!!!! And my very, very big other issue is those "fat" people who use FA and HAES as their excuse to not do anything, to eat whatever the hell they want, not exercise, and continue to scarf down potato chips while they watch the Biggest Loser on tv and scoff.

The sad reality is that most people who want to lose weight are jealous of those who have, and - while they won't admit it - subconsciously want to see those people fail because it means they shouldn't try. When I was in denial, sure I'd watch those makeover shows and the weight loss success stories, but in the back of my head I'd say "it can never last, they'll just gain it all back again, and more."

In the end, I guess I'm happy to be a traitor, if that's what I am. This traitor's gonna go back to eating her mini bag of 94% reduced fat popcorn, and can't wait to get on the scale tonight for the official Weekly Weigh-in.

This post inspired by Rita from The Giggly Bits. Go check her out!!!!

Meatless Monday Re-cap 3/22/10

I joined in on the Meatless Monday Movement at the start of the New Year in an effort to eat less meat and get healthier. One of the things I liked most was the chance to be creative with foods. True, it's still pretty dull most of the time since I eat the same basic things the six other days of the week, but I also take the opportunity to recreate some of my favorite dishes featuring vegetables. And the hunt is always on for new and interesting recipes.

Having been a vegetarian in the past, the flexitarian experience is very freeing. Truth be told, I probably eat 75 - 80% vegetarian during the week, but enjoy the ability to eat a hamburger if that's what I really want. That's the thing about flexitarianism - none of the vegetarian guilt for wanting a piece of chicken or a little bit of pepperoni on your pizza.

On a side note: How crazy is it that my iPhone can spell Flexitarian? Yep, I've typed it into my phone that many times!! I'm amused.

The past month or so of Meatless Mondays were pretty boring and I've used boxed food to stick with it, hence the lack of discussion about my Meatless adventures. Yesterday, though, I felt that familiar itch: the desire to find a recipe or three and try them out. With a bag of sweet potatos in the fridge, I had my search criteria in hand. I didn't find exactly what I wanted in a recipe, but combined several others to come up with this week's offering:

Vegetarian Chili with Sweet Potatos

Ingredients:
1 Package Morningstar Farms Meal Starter Recipe Crumbles
1 package Trader Joe's Mirepoix (14.5 oz)
2 cloves garlic, peeled and minced
1 tbsp chili powder
1 tsp oregano
1 tsp ground cumin
1 1/2 tsp cayenne (optional)
1 (28 oz) can diced tomatos, juice included
1 lb cubed sweet potatos
1 (20 oz) can red kidney beans, drained and rinsed
2 cups vegetable broth
salt and pepper to taste

Directions:

1. Spray a large pot with vegetable oil cooking spray and heat recipe crumbles over medium heat.


2. Once heated through (approx. three minutes), add mirepoix, garlic, chili powder, oregano, cumin and cayenne and cook for two - three minutes.


3. Add diced tomatos, sweet potatos, kidney beans, and vegetable broth. Add up to one cup water if necessary to cover sweet potatos. Bring to a boil, stirring often.


4. Add salt and pepper if necessary.


5. Cover, reduce heat to low and simmer for 30 minutes or until potatos are soft, stirring occasionally.


6. Enjoy!

So often it seems that once you've made a resolution to do something, life throws up every possible obstacle to its completion. Last week, I said my healthy living goal for the week was to complete the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred and four additional workouts. Since I set that goal I've worked out a grand total of one time on Tuesday night. Wednesday nothing, Thursday nothing, Friday nothing, Saturday nothing, and surprise of surprises: Sunday nothing.

My questions:

Am I setting myself up for failure? Since I've gotten out of the habit of exercising first thing in the morning or exercising at all is five workouts too much to get back into the groove? Probably.

Is this a goal I need to revise? Most likely.

How do I go about getting myself back to working out five days a week?

• 
  Step One: Revise Healthy Living Goal. Make this a monthly goal, not weekly, and instead of asking myself to workout five times, work out three times a week. One of those days does not have to be the 30 Day Shred, but it would be nice. Don't plan for huge workouts, just three thirty-minute workouts. If I decide to do more that's great, but I don't have to.



• Step Two: Work out in the morning or immediately after work. Ugh, how I hate waking up early in the morning, but I've fallen back into the habit of going to sleep way too late and waking up with barely enough time to get ready and out the door. Waking up earlier is not going to kill me, and if - by chance - I wake up too late to work out, I will do so immediately upon returning home.



• Step Three: Just freaking do it. NO MORE EXCUSES. Throw the flippin' clothes on and start moving!



• Step Four: If all else fails, schedule the workout into the day. 'Nough said, although step two should pretty well cover this.

Let's get right to the point: I have a whole lotta weight to lose. Heck, some people's total weight loss goal is the amount of weight I've already lost, but I try not to think about that. Looking forward and seeing how far I have left to go is a daunting prospect. On the other hand, I'm alright with that. Sure, sometimes it doesn't feel fair, and sometimes I want to scream and stamp my feet in frustration, but that's life.

Too many times I've set myself on this path with only one objective in mind: reaching my final weight loss goal. It's like saying you're going to run a marathon then expecting the immediate ability to run 26.2 miles. Yeah, that there is called "setting yourself up for failure". Weight loss, like learning to run a marathon, is a journey. You don't immediately drop 100+ lbs that took years to put on.

With that in mind, I put some serious thought into setting a mess of mini-goals to aspire to over the course of this journey, what I'm calling my "Weight Loss Rewards Program" (It's like a credit card rewards program except I'm not paying some greedy company to take my money and make it disappear). And I make a point of never looking much further than the twenty pounds I'm working on losing right now. Taking my weight reduction program in twenty pound chunks makes it easier to handle, and I'm more likely to feel like I've accomplished something because each twenty pounds is a milestone. Still, I'm also kind of greedy and that didn't seem like it was quite enough, so I broke it down to ten pound portions my for my little incentive program.

Alright, at this point this is what I have (and I'm still tweaking it):

Weight Loss Rewards

10% Goal/30 lbs (261/262): Charm
Achieved 2/10/10

40 lbs (251): Tickets to the Theatre

50 lbs (241): Mini-Vacation

60 lbs (231): Charm

70 lbs (221): New Juicy Couture Tracksuit

80 lbs (211): Mini-Vacation

90 lbs (201): Charm

Onederland: Photo Shoot/New Headshots

100 lbs (191): New Purse

110 lbs (181): New Workout Clothes

120 lbs (171): Charm

130 lbs (161): Tickets to the Opera

140 lbs (151): Charm

GOAL - 146 lbs lost - (145): Cruise!

I'm pretty excited about my goals and it's nice to have something tangible on which to focus. It perks me up and motivates me to look at that list of goals, and - dagnabbit - I want that freaking cruise!!!!

I've been a little unfocused this past week. Apathetic. Frustrated. Angry. Happy. All at varying points over the past seven days. Sure, I'm sure I've seemed pretty happy - heck, I know I was happy when I wrote about buying new clothes. It comes and goes.

This Week's Stats

Starting Weight: 291.6

Previous Weight: 254.6 lbs
Current Weight: 255.0 lbs
Difference: +0.4 lbs

Total Weight Removed: -36.6 lbs

That's not something I wanted to see last night, and it's not something I particularly wanted to blog about today. However, I'm aware that we all gain a little weight from time to time. I won't pretend I was perfect this week, because I know I wasn't.

Here are the likely reasons why I gained this week:

• Snacking - I did a whole lot of snacking over the past week, straight out of the bag snacking on salty snacks like chex mix and peanuts.


• Working out - Yeah, not a whole heck of a lot of that.


• Food Tracking and Eating Out - I ate out at a couple of places I don't usually, and as such have no planned meals, then went a little crazy at said places.

Over the weekend a group of friends and I set out on a shopping trip with the intention of buying sports bras. Most of us are members of the well-endowed club so finding an actual supportive sports bra is a nothing short of a miracle.

Our trip took us to Downtown Palo Alto to a little store called Title Nine. Wow. Their sizes don't go up extremely high, but if you're up to a 40 DDD, take a look at their website. This is the home of the Last Resort Sports Bra (which I did NOT buy) - and putting it on is quite a bit like putting on a corset: lots of pushing and pulling the girls and lots of hooks and eyes. I still found quite the corset like sports bra, but with less pushing and pulling and a third of the hooks and eyes - the 3 reasons sports bra. All of a sudden I'm not dreading the 30 Day Shred as much. Hmmm.

In other news of shopping, on Saturday evening I had to throw out one of my favorite pairs of jeans due to the bane of larger women everywhere: chub rub. Ugh. I'm tired of wearing through the thighs of my pants in a year or less!!!!

On a positive note, that same shopping day one of my girlfriends mentioned my pants were looking awfully large. "Really?" said I as I glanced back and noticed the baggy butt and swimming thighs. How have I not noticed this? Guess I'm so used to staying the same size or - heaven forbid - going bigger that it rarely occurs to me that I might need a smaller size in something!

This, my friends, is monumental. It means when I go to Lane Bryant in the next day or two, I will not be buying the Right Size 4 super hip-py pants, but the size 3 super hip-py pants. Holy Cow! And these are the pants I was striving to get back into when I started losing weight.

There you have it - some good, some annoying, and some great. Alright, I'll go squee somewhere else now.

Guess who isn't working out first thing in the morning anymore? Yep, you guessed it, that's me. I have a hard enough time dragging my butt out of bed at 6:30 in the morning (especially cause it's now DARK at 6:30 in the morning), working out at 5:30 a.m. ain't gonna happen.

Ugh, Daylight Savings Time frustrates me soooooooo much. For two to three weeks a year, your entire schedule is thrown off because the clock "springs" forward or "falls" back. I'll tell you what, I'm tired of it. I'm so ridiculously exhausted, not sleeping well, and can't drag my ass out of bed!!!!! They say it's easier to adjust to the end of DST, but can take up to a freaking month to adjust to the clocks falling back! What part of this is a good thing?

And the whole lack of sleep thing leaves me feeling pretty apathetic to just about everything. I operate on automatic, spend every minute of the day wishing I was in bed and can't dredge up a few drops of excitement to get into the weight loss groove.

Last week at this time, I was feeling pretty good about everything. I was excited and happy. Today, I'm going through the motions. I don't understand it.

Solution: MOAR Sleep. *if* I can get to sleep.

Weekly Check-in
More of an every other week check-in at this point

How do I feel I did the past two weeks?

Last week I felt great and had a decent weight loss. I didn't work out as much as I planned, but felt like sticking to my plan was pretty easy.

This week has just been one foot in front of the other. Been dealing with some emotional issues and an unexpected complication. I'm working out again this week, but don't feel like I'm interested in doing much of anything.


Am I still excited/motivated to lose weight?

Yes and no. I'm dealing with some major apathy here. Part of me is still pretty gung ho, but another part of me wants to lay around in bed and do nothing. However, I found my weight loss journal from the last time I did Weight Watchers (2004!!), and realized I'm just about 15 lbs away from the lowest weight I reached in 2004, and I'm around the same week mark - and my last five weeks were losing and gaining the same 2-3 lbs.


The Beck Diet Solution related questions have been removed this week. My apathy told me to.


What are three things I can give myself credit for? (Okay, okay, this is a Beck question, but my apathy said it was okay to answer this one)

Despite my apathy:

1. I'm still on plan.


2. I'm working out.


3. I know I can do this.


4. BONUS: I'm definitely getting my water in every day even if what I want isn't water.

I don't talk about it much, but I sing opera on a semi-professional basis. What that means: I have a full-time Monday through Friday job, but also rehearse/perform on evening nights and weekends. When times are good I essentially work two full-time jobs and juggle a pretty full social life.

Last year, there was a big fat nothing in terms of casting. I auditioned, but zip, zero, zilch. I just kept up with a couple of long term projects, and a few other little things.

When I went back to WW last October, I made a conscious decision to keep those elements on the back burner and really focus on weight loss. Sadly, we can't live in a tiny bubble the rest of our lives, and I've spent nearly six months with that one goal in mind.

Those elements are now barreling back into my life. In short, audition season for the Bay Area is back upon me, and I'm looking at a number of auditions all in a row.

The truth is, I'm a little frightened to step foot back into that world. That is the world of time crunches, stress, not enough sleep, and not enough hours in the day. But, at the same time, I love that world. Part of me thrives on that frenetic pace and I'm sure I've mentioned it before I'm much better at scheduling my time when I barely have any.

So, in the event of getting cast in anything, the question I find myself asking is "What can I do to be the most prepared I can be for the upcoming craziness?"

1. Prepare, prepare, prepare - lack of preparation is what really drags me down. Prepare food plans, exercise plans, make food ahead of time. Anything to take additional stress off my shoulders.


2. Stay on plan! - the plan works. I've lost nearly forty pounds as proof.


3. Schedule my day - one of the steps in the Beck Diet Solution is scheduling out your day. Literally. Taking a 10 a.m. - 10 p.m. planner and blocking out where in your day you're going to prepare food, eat food, exercise, relax, work, etc.


4. Find time to breathe - Whether it's meditation, yoga, or just a few minutes to myself.


5. Make time for my friends and family - because those couple hours of sleep in bed with the hubby are not "quality" time.

Would it surprise you if I told you my perception of serving sizes is skewed? The funny thing here is that this really isn't what you think. I can pretty carefully eye a portion of chicken or a serving of steak, but when it comes to estimating a helping of vegetables I'm woefully lacking.

So this meal I'm having for lunch today, it's a new one by Healthy Choice; this thing looked like it had maybe a quarter of a cup of vegetables:

I have no patience for people who treat me like crap. That being said, why is it I treated myself that way for so long?

In another time and place, when I was still a teenager, I excelled at letting myself be treated like a doormat. A big, gigantic doormat with the words "Welcome, Make Yourself at Home" scrawled across my forehead. When someone finally took advantage of that kindness and threw it in my face, I learned my lesson. After that day, I promised myself I'd never let someone do it to me again.

That didn't stop me from treating my body like a doormat. For years I threw all kinds of junk at it all the time. And it didn't mind the junk. . . at first. But, over time, my stomach grew more and more angry, and before you know it, turned on me - culminating in three years of daily heartburn medication. One would think after three years of heartburn I'd get the picture!! But I didn't. Nope. So, the rest of my body began to turn on me! And I still didn't get the picture?!?

*insert sounds of yelling at myself here*

Understand, my old self always placed the blame on anyone or anything or any place else. It was never my fault. And moving forward meant learning to accept that I did this to myself. Let me repeat that: I did this to myself.

It took me six months to wake up. Six months *after* I was placed on heart medication. Six months to finally give up the ghost and stop pretending I was just fine. And even then I wasn't totally convinced, but I started trying.

Now I can say, nine months after waking up and seeing the bigger picture, that I got the message. It took a while to internalize, but I have the werewithal to stick with it and to treat myself with the respect I deserve. Because, yes, I deserve to be respected. I deserve to be healthy. I deserve to live a full and happy life.

So, my philosophy is pretty simple: Wake up in the morning and ask myself "am I going to treat myself like crap today?" When preparing to take a bite of that mozzarella stick ask "is this treating myself like crap?" Before skipping that workout because you're too tired, same thing.

It boils down to this: I want to enjoy my life, therefore I cannot continue to treat myself/body like a doormat.