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Friday, July 29, 2011

First things first, from now on, every time I mention/moan/complain about not having sung in ages I need to stop and slap myself silly. If I'm not singing, it's my own damn fault, and I just need to suck it up. So, yeah, I need to be careful what it is I wish for.

The long and short of it:

Two nights ago, I received a call from a local theatre group I used to work with asking if I could fill in (on super short notice) for someone that had dropped from the show going up this weekend. And yes, if you're saying to yourself "THIS WEEKEND?!?! IS SHE NUCKING FUTS?", I most likely am cause I said yes.

Background: The show is part of series featuring lost operettas and musicals from the late 1800's and early 1900's. They're semi-staged, partially open book readings. So I'm not a total effing nut job.

Anywho, I put down my barely touched glass of wine from the bottle I'd just popped open, finished what little of my dinner I could, and hauled my butt over to the warehouse to observe the rehearsal and get an idea of what I just signed up for.

Oh, hey look, I'm kind of a featured dancer. WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?! Helllooooo, fat girl! But apparently, I'm not so fat anymore.

Verdict: cute show. Oh damn, I have one f*ck-ton of music to learn, and just a few days in which to do it.

Fast forward to Thursday: When I wasn't at work (and when I was at work on break and lunch) I was studying music, and trying to memorize at least a few little bits so I wouldn't feel like a massive tool at rehearsal that night. Home from work? At the piano, learning and memorizing music. Believe me, if I had my way, I would've taken most of Thursday and Friday off from work to cram music.

Rehearsal Thursday: Blocking me into the show and learning choreagraphy. Teacher, my brain is full! I spent most of the rehearsal feeling like a deer in headlights, but after a night to sleep on it I've managed to process a good part of the blocking and feel pretty comfortable about it.

Tonight? Show run through at the venue, and blocking me into the last few numbers we didn't get a chance to touch last night.

Tomorrow? Opening night.

Fun times. I'm going to go plotz now.



Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Yesterday, I started writing a really emo post about all my worries, my fears, my dissatisfaction, and blah, blah, blah, oh my I feel so sorry for myself bs. Fortunately for me, it just wasn't coming together.

Guess what yesterday was? PMS hormones from HELL. Any day I start off feeling great, get all worked up for no particular reason, have a random crying fit sometime around 1 or 2 p.m., then get caught up in the Pity Party Express - should ring a frakking bell. Helloooooo, PMS.

You know what? I don't want to be emo. Nor do I want to sit around feeling sorry for myself. That kind of attitude ain't gonna change shit.

Here's the long and short of yesterday's pity party: I'm stuck in a rut. In the past three or four months, I can't tell you how many times I've gained and lost the same five stupid pounds. Plus side, I've managed to maintain. Downside, I really wanted to get over the hump into that magical place called ONEderland.

To tell the truth, I know exactly why I'm stuck in this rut. My meal tracking: meh. Exercise: meh. I can tell you what I've been doing instead - gaming, going out, reading comics, drinking, rinse, later, repeat.

And, frankly, my motivation is in the tank. Why? Because I'm at a lower weight now than I was through most of college. Suddenly people are looking at me again. I'm not the fattest person in the room. I'm okay with how I look (mind you, I said ok, not great). I'm maintaining my weight loss. I don't have the urge to eat the same crap I used to eat.

To quote Dr. Horrible, "The status is not quo".

I think I have a subconscious fear of hitting my goal weight, and actually succeeding at this whole weight loss thing. Seriously, who the hell is SCARED of succeeding?

Something has got to give. This indifferent apathy to making any progress is not acceptable.

Okay, I accept I might be apathetic, but that doesn't mean I can't make some changes to see me through these dry times.

Question #1: What has been successful for me in the past? Writing out, keeping up with, and reading (every day) my reasons for losing weight. Planning out what I eat in advance. Light to moderate activity 4-5 times a week. Eating at least one serving of fruits and vegetables with every meal.

Question #2: What goals can I set to get me back on track? Now, I know setting date specific goals has never worked out for me. Look at my ill-fated ONEderland challenge back at the beginning of the year. Heh. See where I am now? Yeah. Great.

Goal 1: Lose five pounds.
Goal 2: Re-write my "Reasons I Want to Lose Weight".
Goal 3: Exercise three times this week.
Goal 4: Track five of seven days this week.
Goal 5: Write a blog even if it's just a sentence or two once a week.

Question #3: What can I do if I continue feeling this indifference to caring about losing weight? You've got me there. Anyone wanna be my weight loss buddy that I can text/e-mail/IM/call when apathy comes calling? I'll do the same for you.

Well, that's about it for now. Sorry for the prolonged absence. Can't promise it'll be any better in the near future, but I'm gonna try.



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Small goals are the key to success or so I've been told. To kick off my weight loss journey I wanted to give myself a visual tool to see how my progress is going. For your viewing pleasure, the ticker for my first goal of losing 20 pounds: