Singing for a smaller me

Sorry for the radio silence folks. Didn't have much to write about last week, so rather than post some cr*ppy filler I decided to take a few days off.

Ever wonder when the hell it was you stopped having incredible dreams of what you'd be and/or do? How at some point normal became okay and reaching for your dreams was just childish escapism?

Fighting for your dreams is hard. It's a constant struggle and fight to overcome tremendous odds, and time after time you're likely to fall flat on your face. There are always setbacks and not everyone has the werewithal to keep getting up and dusting themselves off. But those that do are in for amazing things.

When you think about it, starting the journey to lose nearly 150 lbs is another big ol' pipe dream. Really. You give no thought to how many people manage to lose and keep off ten pounds. Just because the commercial says "Results not typical" doesn't mean it can't be done. But if you really thought about it and looked at the stats, reality is quite the opposite. The numbers are bleak. And the chance of being one of the magical few to make it to goal? Incredibly miniscule. But every day someone else embarks on their own quest to do just that.

WHY?!?!

Maybe because deep inside we never want to give up on our dreams. It's that last big dream of which we can't let go. If you can accomplish that, then you can accomplish anything.

Of all the people I knew with big dreams, I was one of the last of my friends to accept "average". But at some point, the sacrifices didn't seem worth it. I was tired of missing parties, never being in on the latest thing, and having days so jam-packed finding six hours to sleep was a chore. So I gave up. I said goodbye to dreams and decided to just be normal.

It's funny how "just being normal" meant I no longer felt alive, and this void opened up inside me. Sure, I got invited to all the parties. And suddenly I knew everything that was going on. And on the outside, I was a laughing, happy person. But a large part of that was a mask to cover up how totally un-special I felt.

So I pretended. And ate. And pretended some more. And ate some more. And that void? It just got bigger. So did I.

Over the weekend, my mom posted some pictures on Facebook of me before I woke up and realized I was killing myself. That person? She isn't me anymore, but I know her pain. The pain of being at the lowest point of your life at the bottom of a pit, feeling like you'll never stop falling and there's no way out.

Funny how, when I realized being normal just wasn't for me, re-embraced my dreams, I slowly started crawling out from that pit of despair.

You can keep normal. Average? Pfft. Soooo done with average. Typical? I think you already know I'm definitely NOT typical. And my dreams? I can keep reaching for the stars. Sure, I'll fall down, and I'll fall down again, but I'll just get back up. And so what if I barely have enough hours in the day? Oh well. What a ride it is, and I haven't even reached the end.

Finally, my weigh-in stats for the week!!!!

Week of 2/13/11 - 2/19/11 Stats

Weigh-in Day: Saturday, February 19, 2011

Starting Weight: 291.6

Previous Weight: 218.2
Current Weight: 215.2
Difference: -3.0 lbs

Total Weight Removed: -76.4 lbs
Total Percentage of Weight Removed: 26.2%

That's right! I smashed that 75 lbs gone mark! w00t w00t!!! Damn straight, I am extraordinary.

Now go have a good one folks, and find that extraordinary person in you!

I've spent a lot of time thinking about my mini-breakdown last week. Obsessing really. Wondering why it was such a catastrophe when I've had far worse binges along the way, and done seriously way stupider crap to my body. Enough people, though, smacked me upside the head to tell me to pull my head out of my ass and look at the big picture. And the angels sang from above. Shouldn't have been this massive revelation, but it was. I've been at this for somewhere around four hundred and sixty something days. And I'll be at it for the rest of my life. These things happen.

I don't actually live my life in this big, food-obsessed, shame bubble. Actually, most of the time I'm pretty well-adjusted as far as eating is concerned (which might be why I freaked out so big time last week). Lemme tell you a secret, sometimes I weird out, get completely irrational for no good reason, and decide to dwell on something. HELLO, OCD HERE. I'm the girl that can't sleep if she thinks the cans in her cupboard are facing the wrong way. So, when something in my world goes just a little haywire, like my eating for a couple of days, I'm likely to think the worst possible things. Then logic kicks in somewhere between zero and crazy.

Our heads are not that easy to figure out, and anyone who tells you otherwise is full of it. Would losing weight were as simple as eating less and exercising more, but these brain-things get in there and muck it right the hell up.

I'm done obsessing.

Really.

For now.

So, happy Monday and Happy Valentine's Day. Based on my normally sarcastic and cynical mien, you might think I don't appreciate a commercially created simply for the purposes of bilking money from millions of people holiday like Valentine's Day. HAHAHA. No, I don't appreciate the consumerism associated with it, but the idea of celebrating love is a good one.

This week I'm going to focus on loving me. Something I don't do nearly often enough. Starting today, I'm committing to doing these three things:

1. Every time I look in the mirror I will compliment myself;


2. Focus on eating foods that nourish my whole body; and


3. Approach my workouts as a way to love my body, not battle and/or beat it into submission.

And, in the spirit of loving myself (yeah, I know how *bad* that sounds), do you wanna know what my gift to myself was this weekend? All that weight I thought I put on with my binge last week is gone! And some.

Week of 2/6/11 - 2/12/11 Stats

Weigh-in Day: Saturday, February 12, 2011

Starting Weight: 291.6

Previous Weight: 219.8
Current Weight: 218.2
Difference: -1.6 lbs

Total Weight Removed: -73.4 lbs
Total Percentage of Weight Removed: 25.1%

That might also be the reason I stopped stressing about the binge. >_<

Finally, I also want to send out a very special Valentine's wish to my DH, who puts up with my crazy, provides a shoulder to cry on when I'm frustrated for no good reason, and supports me in every weird endeavor I choose to pursue. I may not always show you how much I care, but I really do. Thank you for always being there. I love you.

Have a very Happy Valentine's Day folks. If you don't have a special someone to be your Valentine, be your own Valentine and do something to love you.

Those cookies I was calling for help with earlier this week? Yeah, they don't seem so tasty anymore (after having one two days ago and one yesterday), especially since I finally forced my ass back on the scale this morning. And my weekend indulgences? Yeah, they seem a little more real now.

Hell, who am I fooling? I didn't track food for four frakking days!!! I ate things I normally wouldn't touch because I gave myself a pass on writing it down. Hello, Mr. Binge, been a while since we last saw one another. And my guilty binge secret? That ginormous bag of "Natural" Cheetos we bought at Costco. You know I didn't even LOOK to see what a serving size was? I just dug in and ate more than half of that bag to my head. Between the DH and I, it was gone by Monday evening. Couldn't tell you what else I ate, but I know it was a lot more than that. Look! I have food amnesia. Ha-f*cking-ha.

Why the Hell do I sabotage all of my f*cking progress like this?????????? I hate, hate, HATE my compulsive freaking eating habit. Seriously. Just when I think I've got this shit under control, I do something like put a massive bag of chips in front of my piehole. Of course, I'm going to sabotage myself.

Yeah, for all of my big talk, this is a constant struggle. I want to have a healthy relationship with food. I really do. But reality is, even with all I've learned, all these bad habits are deeply ingrained. It's said it takes about 20 repetitions or around 30 days to establish a new habit. What people fail to realize is all those other old habits haven't gone away! Every time you fall into the trap of bad behavior, you reinforce old habits instead of strengthening new ones.

Just writing about it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I saw all the warning signs of binge behavior, so why didn't I stop it? And why did I spend so much time laughing about my complete lack of self control last weekend? It wasn't and isn't funny.

There are a lot of ugly thoughts spinning through my head right now. Lots of name calling. Lots of dissatisfaction with myself and giving in.

But enough. I can't continue to beat myself up over this. What I can do is learn this lesson: there's just about enough wiggle room in my life for one event a week (and my progress would definitely prefer one event every other week or once a month). But dinner Friday night, dinner and drinks Saturday night, and binge/bag of chips Sunday and Monday? Way too much.

Hope everyone else has a great day, I'm working at keeping it together and getting that smile back on my face.

First, because I haven't posted it yet, and I promised I'd post it weekly:

Week of 1/30/11 - 2/5/11 Stats

Weigh-in Day: Saturday, February 5, 2011

Starting Weight: 291.6

Previous Weight: 220.0
Current Weight: 219.8
Difference: -0.2 lbs

Total Weight Removed: -71.8 lbs
Total Percentage of Weight Removed: 24.6%

Getting on the scale Saturday was a "meh" kind of moment, but not entirely unexpected. We'll just have to wait and see what happens when Aunt Flo has vacated the premises.

So, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's Wednesday and I'm finally getting around to talking about my weekend. I suck. Whatever. My weekend was marked by not one, but two, food-centric (alcohol too) celebrations. I had all kinds of grandiose plans about dealing with them too, until those plans failed. Guh.

Let's take a quick trip on the merry-go-round of my Food Weekend from HELL, also known as I HAD ABSOLUTELY NO SELF CONTROL.

Friday. Original Joe's in Downtown San Jose which is this super old fashioned, Italian restaurant with MEGA portions. Walking in here is like taking a step back in time. Seriously, this is one of those places you'd expect to find Dean Martin sitting at the bar drinking a martini. LOOOOVE IT!

My solution for their mega portions? Order something without pasta, eat half and take the rest home.

Problem: as is the problem with any large group eating out at a restaurant that DOESN'T take reservations, it took forever to be seated. Planned on eating by eight, wasn't seated until after nine by which time I was STARVING. Cue a complete lack of self control: alcoholic drinks? Check. Bread? Check, check, and check. Pasta Based Dish? Oh yeah, baby. Eating the whole plate? Yep. You betcha.

Faaahhhhkkk.

Okay, not a problem. Big hike scheduled the next day which could make up for a some of those extra calories consumed.

Suuuurrrree. Until the moment I decided to give a big "F.U." to food tracking on Saturday. Oh, did I mention that on the way back to the car from Friday's dinner we stopped at this amazing donut place called Psycho Donuts to pick up donuts for breakfast? Score Two for my complete and utter lack of self control.

Not to worry. I'll just keep it light at dinner Saturday night.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Cue Saturday Night. Asia SF in San Francisco. Super late seating of 9:45 p.m. Asia SF is a nightclub/bar/kinda-dinner place. Kinda-dinner means they serve lots and lots of small plates that are essentially appetizers. Lots and lots of appetizers.

Did I mention it was a super late seating? Oh, and it's served family style. And, oh my god, the food was sooooo good. And the drinks, sofa king tasty. Multiple cocktails plus cute little plates of food (see pictures below) equals "Look, there goes Zan's self control flying out the door. Again." Ugh.

And for your viewing pleasure, a few of the small plates served at our table:

Then it was dancing time (and more drinking time). At least, I busted my butt dancing.

Sunday morning, I woke up to the Creeping-Crud-that-Still-Wouldn't-Frakking-Go-Away which meant the order of the day was relax, watch commercials (I mean the Super Bowl), and try to get this thing under control.

Monday, the Neverending Cold of DOOM was still playing havoc with my sinuses, so I decided to call in and try to sleep it off. Also known as lie in bed, watch chick flicks, talk shows, and (to my everlasting shame) the E! Network.

Finally think I've got this crud under control, thank God, but I'm dosing myself with massive amounts of Vitamin C for the next few days just to be sure.

Verdict: it was a fun weekend, and as I think about it at least if I ate too much, my activity increased to make up for some of my indulgences. Need to work on getting immediately back to food tracking (since it took me until Tuesday!), and also need to work on planning better for unforseen circumstances such as ridiculously late seatings. On the plus side, it also means I can let loose from time to time and enjoy a night or two and immediately get back on plan.

Okay, I won't call the weekend a wash, I'll call it living life. Cos really, if you can't enjoy yourself from time to time what the heck is the point?

On Friday, I wrote the following:

I received the Stylish Blogger Award from the ladies at 2 Fat Chicks With a Mission - thank you!! I'll post more about this hopefully over the weekend, but if not - Monday. Definitely Monday!!

Yeah. I'm a day late now. Obviously, I need to stop saying I'll definitely do something on a particular day. This is a recipe for me being made of EPIC FAIL. Epically epic. See Zan Fail. Fail Zan, Fail.

Okay. It's a day late. Have to stop beating myself up about it. It is what it is.

Here's that award, which is pretty darn awesome. I like awards. A lot.


And the award deets:

1. Link back to the person who gave the award to you.


2. Share seven things about yourself.


3. Pass the award on to recently discovered great bloggers.


4. Contact those bloggers and tell them they've won.

The award actually came from the fabulous ladies at 2 Fat Chicks With a Mission - Heidi and Erin! Thank you so much!

Seven Things About Me

1. In my 31 years of life, I've never been off the North American continent. One of my dreams is to get over to Europe for a few (or six) months and explore some place with actual history. Or maybe Hawaii. Or Asia. Or, yeah, I think you get the point.


2. I hate flying. If I could just taxi cross country, I'd be ridiculously happy. It's also one of the reasons I'm such a huge proponent of bullet trains - which we seriously NEED. Every time I get ready to travel, I always look up every option for getting to a place, but flying ALWAYS wins because of convenience and time savings.


3. I'm constantly spoiling stories, tv shows and movies for myself. Yeah, I'm *that* person who flips to the end of the book after reading two chapters, reads the last chapter, then goes back and reads the rest of the book. I refuse to spoil it for other people though, but I want to know the ending NOW.


4. My musical tastes are extremely eclectic. Today, it might be Punk Rock, tomorrow Ke$ha and Miley Cyrus, the next day opera, and so on. If you ever want an intersting musical experience, put my entire iTunes library on random.


5. I'm a caffeine addict. Really, I am. Funny thing is, caffeine doesn't do cr*p for me. I can drink an entire pot of coffee then fall asleep for six hours. However, if I don't have my morning cup of coffee, I'm a right, miserable b*tch.


6. I'm OCD and can't tell you how often I've wished my OCD would extend to useful areas of my life - like cleaning. But no, it's random little things like the number of binder clips on my desk, how labels are arranged in my cabinets, and if I locked my car doors. Seriously, I lose sleep over these things.


7. For the longest time, I wouldn't play MMORPGs because I refused to buy a game *and* pay a monthly subscription fee. Enter Star Trek Online, and my resolve completely disappeared. Awesome game. Have to keep myself from spending all of my free time playing it.

On to the next part, some bloggers to pass this award on to (although some may not necessarily be recently discovered):

Sizing Down the Diva
Results Not Typical Girl - although she's probably received this before, and she's definitely not a new find, I think everyone should read her blog, and she's definitely stylish!!!!
High Heels and Combat Boots - Not weight loss related, but she's super fab!

Okay, I'm off for now. But I'll see you again real soon with weigh-in stats and my Food Challenge from Hell Weekend.

This is a cry for help! These are sitting in the break room right now, and I want to hide them under my shirt, drag them back to my desk and eat them ALL:

AND:



Chocolate chip, oatmeal raisin, and chocolate dipped shortbread. GAAAHHH!

Okay, back to your normally scheduled routines, and I'll have the real post for you later.

Sometimes I wonder if Aunt Flo likes to pop her head in right as I'm doing well just to say "HA HA, I'm going to f*ck with you". Now I know it's the way the body works; I just need to keep doing what I'm doing and everything will adjust itself next week, but right now IT PISSES ME RIGHT THE HELL OFF. Especially right before a freaking weigh-in day. GRRRR. HULK SMASH.

Okay. Now that that's off my chest, moving on...




We've got another phenomenal weather weekend ahead of us (And I'm not going to apologize Midwest and East Coast, although I do hope Snowpocalypse passes soon) with a forecast anywhere between 70 and 74 degrees all weekend long. Lordy. You bet your ass I'm getting my ass out of the house and doing something out of doors. Like hiking. Surprise. HAHAHAHA.

Yeah, yeah, it's Super Bowl weekend, and what I'm going to say might shock you, but I'm not really a football fan. At all. As in, I'll probably sit on my computer playing games and waiting for commercials or NOT WATCH! Seriously though, I do know what teams are playing and even where they'll be playing, but beyond that I just don't get football. Now gimme some hockey and we've got a totally different story. MMMM, hockey players....

Again, after moving off topic, back to the post I've been trying to tackle since Wednesday:

My Yearly Goal Progress

Last month, when I went off about how much I hate New Year's Resolutions, I did make one resolution:

Continue down the path to health and be the best person I can be.

With that resolution in mind, I set the following goals for myself for the year:

1. Train for/run a 5K. When/If I complete that 5K, start training for a 10K.


2. Exercise at least 3x a week.


3. Make an effort to meet the WW Healthy Guidelines every day.


4. Post at least one blog a week. See the Wordpress Challenge to post either Once a Day in 2011 or Once a Week in 2011.


5. Try one new exercise class/DVD/etc per month.


6. Make it into ONEderland.

It's been about a month since I threw down the gauntlet and figured it was time to check back in to see what progress I've made.

Train for/run a 5K. When/If I complete that 5K, start training for a 10K.

As is the way of things, and with my recent knee troubles, I had to put this goal on hold for the time being. Boo. There's a doctor's appointment with my name on it, though, in the near future where I'll beg not listen to hope for good news from the doctor as to my running prospects. (Seriously though, I do actually listen to my doctor. I trust him - he spent lots of money on school to give me advice. HAHAHAHA. No, no, really, I do listen to him.)

If I get the okay from the doc (cross your fingers for me), plans include registering for either the Disneyland Family Fun 5K on Saturday, September 3, 2011 (cause I love Disneyland, and wanna run in a tutu, or better yet - a princess dress!!!) or the Disneyland Half Marathon - if I'm feeling particularly brave - on Sunday, September 4, 2011. I'll have just under seven months to train, and will decide in June (which is when I hope to register if it isn't closed) which one is actually possible.

Yes, I'm setting my sights high, but you'll never know what you can do until you try to reach for the stars.

Based on my June decision there might be a few other races in my future, but that's all in the mystic never never for now.

Of course, this is all contingent on getting the go ahead from my doctor. I'll keep you posted.

Exercise at least 3x a week.

SUCCESS!!! Well, except for that first week in January. And I was crazy in that first week in January. Or maybe I was sick? Or maybe I was making excuses? Who knows? Lots of questions, not many answers.

Yeah, looking back at my activity logs, it looks like every week but that first week of January I managed to get in at least 3 days of exercise a week, and it's usually closer to 4 or 5. *Victory Arms* \o/

Which brings me to my cross training goal: swimming, biking *and* running (but before I start swimming I need to get some prescription goggles - cos I'm blind as a frakking bat). This is not triathlon training. I repeat, this is not triathlon training. But I thought, hey, what better way to test my fitness level than by seeing how much of each one I could do? Okay, so maybe I'll take a page or two (or all) out of the triathlon training book, but I'm NOT training for a triathlon. Seriously. I'm not.

Make an effort to meet the WW Healthy Guidelines every day.

Unsurprisingly, I have no issues meeting all the WW Healthy Guidelines Monday through Friday, but throw a Saturday and Sunday in the mix and I'm a hot mess. Okay, not quite, but close.

Water really isn't a problem. We don't keep much to drink at home besides a Brita pitcher and coffee beans (and beer!) since neither me or the DH are big soda fans. So, if I'm thirsty, and not craving a yeast-y beverage, water is pretty much my only choice.

In the realm of vitamins I knew I'd never take some ridiculously, large horse pill multi-vitamin. Yuck, yuck, yuck. Since I swear I'm like ten sometimes, I picked up a bottle of chewable vitamins. Yup, I take Marvel Superhero Chewable Vitamins, baby. Spiderman, Iron Man, Captain America, all in chewy, fabulous, fruit-snack-tasting goodness. Oh yeah, they taste like fruit snacks! And I have to stop myself from eating them like candy, that's how awesome they are.

Activity's good too. If I don't have an official "work-out" every day, I at least do a fair amount of walking.

This month: must make an effort to get the dairy and fruits/veggies in on weekends too. I just don't spend a lot of time thinking about food when it's a weekend.

Post at least one blog a week. See the Wordpress Challenge to post either Once a Day in 2011 or Once a Week in 2011.

SUCCESS!! Don't think I have to say much here. If you're reading this, you know I definitely post more than once a week. Once a day? Not happening so much. But three times a week? Definitely do-able.

Try one new exercise class/DVD/etc per month.

SUCCESS!! I've had a Firm DVD sitting on the shelf for nearly a year, but was too chicken sh*t to try it because it had the words Boot Camp in the title. I think it was Bootcamp Maximum Calorie Burn or something like that. You can see it left a lasting impression (she says sarcastically). That's because it wasn't anywhere near as tough as I was hoping and it will now go into the pile of Zan's never going to do this workout again DVDs.

This month I'm thinking of trying the Turbo Kick class at my gym or Group X. Need to make a decision soon though or I'll find the month over without anything to show.

Make it into ONEderland.

Ummm, self explanatory. Haven't made it yet, but I'm getting closer.

Overall, January was a great month. February should be a great month too.

Also, I received the Stylish Blogger Award from the ladies at 2 Fat Chicks With a Mission - thank you!! I'll post more about this hopefully over the weekend, but if not - Monday. Definitely Monday!!

Have a great weekend folks!!!

Image from Bluntcard.com because they're epically awesome.

I really intended yesterday's post to go up a lot earlier than it did, but I got a little lost at the gym. Ah well!!

Besides teh shopping trip of awesome wherein Zan began to feel like a new woman because she finally owned bras that fit again, I also managed to fit in some baking time over the weekend.

Over at one of the non-weight loss blogs I follow, HighHeelsAndCombatBoots (she's faboo, you should totally read her blog), I read this post about making homemade granola bars. How crazy is it that until I read that I didn't even realize you could make homemade granola bars?!? Heh.

How awesome would it be, I thought, if I could make my own granola bars with just the ingredients I wanted without having to worry about things like HFCS (the devil!!!) and artificial sweeteners. Sure, it'd probably be a little higher calorie, but fresh and all made by me!!!!! Ooooo, ooo, ooo, and granola bars are perfect hiking snacks!!!! And they'll keep me fuller longer cos there won't be any filler in them!

Obviously, the idea wouldn't be dropped, so I did what any sensible, completely obsessed person would do: started scouring the internet for all different kinds of granola bar recipes, picking and choosing recipes based on ingredients I already had at home (yes, I do keep flaxseed and wheat germ on hand all the time as a matter of fact!), and came up with my own version which is here for your viewing pleasure:

Zan's Chewy Granola Bars



These bars are easily customizable, simply swap out the chocolate chips and pecans for 1 1/2 to 2 cups of your favorite chips, seeds, dried fruits, etc.

Ingredients
3 cups rolled oats
1/2 cup wheat germ
1/2 cup flaxseed
1 cup whole wheat flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
6 tbsp butter, softened
2 tbsp Better n' Peanut Butter
1/2 cup honey
1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce
1/4 cup packed brown sugar
1 cup miniature semisweet chocolate chips
1/2 cup chopped pecans

Directions
1. Preheat oven to 325 degrees F and lightly grease and/or line a 9x13 pan with parchment paper.
2. In a large bowl, combine oats, flaxseed, wheat germ and flour. Set Aside.
3. In another bowl, combine butter, peanut butter, honey, applesauce, baking soda, vanilla and brown sugar.
4. Add in dry ingredients and stir until well mixed. Stir in any additional items (chocolate chips, seeds, nuts, dried fruit, etc.).
5. Press mixture into prepared pan evenly.
6. Bake at 325 degrees F for 18 to 22 minutes or until golden brown.
7. Let cool for ten minutes, then transfer to refrigerator to cool completely before cutting into bars. Store in an airtight container.

Makes 24 servings.

Calories: 205; Fat: 9.5g; Saturated Fat: 3.9g; Polyunsaturated Fat: 1.6g; Monounsaturated Fat: 2.0g; Cholesterol: 7.6mg; Sodium: 79.3mg; Potassium: 72.1mg; Total Carbohydrates: 29.6g; Dietary Fiber: 3.9g; Sugars 15.4g; Protein: 4.3g

Each bar works out to 6 WW PointsPlus value.

You can find this recipe over at SparkRecipes.com for a more printer friendly version. Just search for Zan's Chewy Granola Bars. (and if you wanted to rate it and/or review it that would be great too!!)

Oh.My.God. These bars are a-ma-zing. Sofa king tasty. Seriously. The DH liked them, and he doesn't like granola bars or oatmeal cookies. SUCCESS!!! And oh-so-filling. One of these babies can keep me going on a normal day for two hours. Haven't tried them on a hike since this weekend's hike was cancelled, but I'm betting they'll be great!

Okay, gab at ya later!!!