Singing for a smaller me

Fact: About five months ago I stopped drinking my green goo (read: green monster
smoothie).

Fact: About five months ago I stopped going to Weight Watchers.

Fact: About five months ago I stopped exercising regularly.

Conclusion: By no longer guzzling the green goo, I fell off the wagon. HAHAHAHAHA!

Okay, okay! So it's not entirely accurate (and fallacious reasoning I might add), yet - I promise - these things are actually related to one another. However, one did not specifically lead to the other.

Even though they are ridiculously yummy, in my mind I identify the morning smoothie as "Health Food". Yes, it's tasty. Yes, it's filling. But it's also entirely associated with my weight reduction program. I started drinking the smoothies when I started blogging (and going to WW), hence, Health Food.

Further, In the morning, I'm more of a grab and go kinda person. Making a morning smoothie requires me to actually put aside five minutes of my precious time (time I could be in bed, asleep) to pull together the ingredients and blend them. You might be thinking "Five minutes isn't that much time!!", and you're right, but in the mystical world of Zan five more minutes of sleep could be the difference between "grr" grumpy and "hi" happy.

So, continuing to make smoothies every morning is an exercise in willpower which, in turn, adds fuel to the fire of determination, and provides that kick in the pants I need to wake up at five or five thirty a.m. every weekday and workout.

Alright, maybe this isn't so much about green smoothies as it is about exercising some self discipline. And I can proudly say I've been employing it to great effect: waking up at five a.m., getting in a good workout, making breakfast to actually eat AT HOME, making up smoothies, and still giving myself more than enough time to look perfectly polished before heading off to work.

Yep, I'm crowing just a little bit (A LOT!!!). It is amazing what you can do when you put your mind to it.

In other news, went to Weight Watchers last night (yay, three weeks in a row!). Was up a little (boo!), but I chalk it up to a) not tracking as well as I should, b) Aunt Flo's on her way to visit, and c) added in a pretty intense toning workout several times a week.

Three Goals for Success in the Coming Week:

1. Track everything I eat. Even if I don't want to.


2. Lay off the candy jar at work. There's Ghiradelli Peppermint Bark at home, and that's way tastier than anything in that candy jar.


3. Cook a couple of meals at home.


4. (okay, four, I lied) Get the rest of the Xmas stuff up (not specifically related, but it'll make me feel A LOT better)

Been feeling pretty down today after seeing a picture of me from the weekend. You know how it is, feeling kinda awesome and thinking you look pretty good, then BANG, there's this picture and it isn't what you thought.

Sunday afternoon, I took the opportunity (willingly!) to go hiking with some friends down at Uvas Canyon County Park. The weather was perfect, sixty some odd degrees (yes, sixty - that's why I live in California), and we were in the middle of a reprieve from the rain. What better opportunity to get out, enjoy ourselves and catch up with some friends I hadn't seen in a while?

WARNING: This is not the Zan you're looking for, she has been replaced by some alternate universe version of herself.

Like I said, I was feeling really good about myself, and the hike was a lot of fun. One friend was running around taking pictures most of the hike. Instead of hiding from the camera, I was interested to see how I looked after losing 65+ lbs.

Here's a sampling of the thoughts that ran through my head after seeing some of these pictures: a) I obviously have a lot more work to do; b) my thighs look like sausages; c) won't be wearing those jeans again for a while; d) is my belly really THAT big?; e) Dear lord in heaven, why is my forehead sooooo freaking large; and several other really ugly thoughts that I will not share here.

Guess who's their own worst critic? Oh yeah, that'd be me.

Part of me contemplated posting the offending picture here and circling everything I find wrong with it. Which isn't a good idea.

Why, why, WHY do I have to pick apart every miniscule detail? What is it about me that can't celebrate obvious progress? So, to be fair, I was never all that fab about myself in pictures even when I was younger and much smaller. So why should I be okay with them now? I'll probably never get over this whole not liking pictures of myself thing.

So, instead of obsessing over that freaking picture (which I've been doing - all morning), I've decided to focus on something positive.

Good thoughts for today:

1) I went effing hiking. And enjoyed it.
2) I'm wearing smaller sizes than I've worn in ages.
3) None of those sizes begin with a two followed by another number.
4) I feel amazing, and can do so many things that I couldn't do a year ago.

Alright, obsessing mostly over, moving on, nothing more to see here. And hope everyone has a great week!

Butt kicks. If you're a Jillian Michaels (JM) fan at all, you probably know the exercise I'm talking about. For anyone else, it's an old school calisthenics exercise wherein you're essentially running in place trying to kick yourself in the butt. Ha, ha, hence the name.

Now, imagine those butt kicks in the same circuit as high knee runs. Then add in some jumping jacks. And just for fun, another grueling exercise with some kind of plyo component or such crazy jazz, and then do it all over again. This, my friends, is ONE CIRCUIT of Jillian Michaels Banish Fat, Boost Metabolism (BFBM). There's a full on five additional circuits of this hell (it's frakking relentless). And this is the workout I - willingly - did this morning.

Yup, my butt has definitely been kicked - both metaphorically and physically.

Honestly, Jillian Michaels scares the living sh*t out of me. If I see a workout with her name on it, a little shiver of fear runs down my spine. One might think that if I'm sooooo afraid of her and her workouts, I - like any reasonably logical person - would stay as far away from them as humanly possible. WRONG. SO WRONG. OH NO, instead my crazy self has to go buy the freaking thing, let it sit on the shelf for a few months just so I can fear it a little bit more, and finally work up the courage to have my ass handed to me after being pounded into mush.

The most frightening part of this whole thing? I love it. If a workout isn't scaring the hell out of me, kicking my ass or pushing my limits, I'm bored. Like walking, for instance; it just doesn't do it for me. Walking is a mode of transportation from one place to another, that's all. It's not a workout. The few times I've walked as my daily activity, I got so ridiculously bored. If I have to go someplace a mile or two away, I'm happy to walk it. But tell me to go walk two miles for no reason? No thanks.

Lately, I've noticed that most of the workouts I did when I started out exercising last year and thought were hard are barely blips on the radar. That WW Get in Shape (or whatever the title was from ages ago) with the low, medium and high intensity workouts? Yeah, I don't touch the low or medium intensity workouts anymore. And the high intensity workout? Barely difficult enough to keep my attention for thirty minutes.

Thing is, this is such an unusual feeling. Really. When did I become that chick who has to do the super hard workout (and don't get me wrong, I know there's waaaaayyy harder workouts out there than I do) to feel like she's actually working? That isn't me. But it is. It's the new me. The new me has the desire to be in the best shape she can because it feels so damn good.

It makes me realize that my secret ambition, that thing I've always wanted, but never thought possible, really is in the realm of possiblity. This deep-seated desire to just be able to run isn't a pipe dream. All those butt kicks? high knee runs? jogging in place? If you really think about it, that's running. Or at least a prelude to it. Maybe I've been making excuses all along. Well, I'm not making excuses anymore. If I can face the terror that is JM, I can learn to run.

Wow, real soon turned into a month and a half. Spectacular. Welcome to the world of "OMG, I lag so freaking much".

You know, I actually start every week with the intention of writing a blog post, but by week's end have managed to completely forget and/or move on to something else. Did I mention I'm a little scattered lately? Ha!!

Truthfully, I haven't had much to say the past few months because I wasn't actively pursuing weight loss, and other related guilt issues surrounding my lack of motivation. However, in news of the thank-god-I-finally-did-it variety, I'm back at Weight Watchers meetings on a regular basis (and aren't you glad I'll stop WHINING about it now). Granted, it took the introduction of a new food plan to make me drag my butt back to a meeting, but there I went. And surprise, in the months between now and stopping, I managed to get rid of nearly eight pounds! Not too bad for a girl who mostly stopped thinking about it.

Now, the introduction of the Points Plus system took me by surprise. The smack myself upside the head for not paying much attention to the blogging world or going to meetings kind of surprise. Seriously, the first I heard of this MAJOR plan change was a few weeks back because of this notice on my iPhone. It prompted me to delve back into the blogging world in search of news about this new plan I'd never heard anything about, but apparently it was everywhere. Why am I the last one to figure these things out?

Okay, bad Zan, no cookie.

My initial reaction? Denial. BUT I LIKE POINTS!!!! I've liked the Points system since it was introduced in the 90's! I won't give up my Points! Grr! Argh! Roar! *sulk* They can keep their stupid new plan, I'll just keep doing Points. But once I got over my impression of a preteen throwing a temper tantrum, logic prevailed (Damn you logic and your whole sensibility thing!!!). I've followed other plans and been successful. Further, reason dictates WW wouldn't release a plan that didn't work. Might be that whole them being a business and making money. Or something like that.

Week One Verdict? I like it. My reluctance stemmed from a desire to keep on doing the same thing. I knew the old plan, I didn't have to think about it. The new plan, on the other hand, really makes me think about WHAT it is I'm eating, not just how much I'm eating (which, BTW, 0 PointsPlus Fruit, ZOMG!!!). And I'm eating a whole lot more. Go figure. I'm sure everyone is sick of hearing about it, but if I have to choose between a 3-4 PointsPlus 100 Calorie Pack or a 0 PointsPlus apple, guess what I'm gonna choose? If you said 100 Calorie Pack, you're WRONG!

With the completion of Week One, 1.2 lbs are gone (for a total of 65.8 lbs). Sweet. I'm quickly approaching that happy 70 lbs gone forever mark. Yeah, I'll do my happy dance alright.

I have no plans of promising another blog post in the near future, although I have another one or ten percolating in my head. So maybe, just maybe, you'll start seeing more (or less as it were) of me soon.

Ooo, Lordy, I've been neglecting this blog. And how.

In surprising news, I jumped off the wagon. HA HA! Not so surprising actually. It's been a good couple of months without tracking food or paying attention to what I eat. The first month: not so bad, managed to keep making good choices. The second month: a little bit worse. The third month: ooo, boy, not something I want to think about.

More unsurprising news: I haven't read anyone's blog. Giving myself a pass, and starting fresh from here. Chances are I'll go back at some point and catch up, but I'm not going to beat myself up over it. That little badge on my blog reader? Pretending it doesn't exist and marking everything read. YAY! Clean Slate!

Haven't hopped on the scale in a month or so, but based on the way my clothes are fitting, I'm still in good shape.

Made a decision: No more going off on my personal revelations (at least not the way I was before). It just sounded so. freaking. pretentious. And you know what I hate? Pretentiousness. A lot. Here it is in a nutshell: I'm working out shit in my life, making what changes are necessary, and figuring out what the hell I need to do to make myself happy. A little simplistic, but simplifying makes me happy - so there.

It's hard to believe it's already October. Where the heck did the year go? Seriously? Last time I looked, it was July. Or was it August? Whatever. Anyhow, it was a year ago in October I finally decided to do something about my weight. Yay, it's my weight loss anniversary! I'm a pretty different person than the woman who tentatively stepped into that Weight Watchers meeting last year. I've made some substantial changes in my life, not the least of which is taking off at least 50 lbs for good. Also, I have more confidence, and am ready to continue making whatever changes I have to in order to keep on going.

My goals for the next year:

1) Keep on keeping on.
2) Lose some more weight. Not setting any specific pound goals, but continue down the same path I've been following.
3) Go back to WW. Meetings were a big part of my success so I need to find a leader with whom I can connect. Then just keep on going.
4) Get into the gym once a week. The gym near my house offers Zumba classes, and - dammit - I want to go to a zumba class.

Well, folks, that's it for now. Will be back again real soon.

Yes, it's been another couple of weeks since I got my sh*t together and blogged. Problem: I stopped reading your blogs (yes, the little badge on my blog reader reads nearly 300 again! UGH! I kinda FAIL). Funny that, I stop reading blogs, I stop wanting to blog. Connection? I wonder.

Confession Time: I still haven't made it to a Weight Watchers meeting since I last posted. Nor have I made it to the gym. HELP!!!! Mind you, it's not that my motivation has gone away - I still log my food and stay within my weekly POINTS - but I didn't realize how attached I'd grown to that particular meeting time/day and the leader leading it.

I've picked up some new habits - good and bad - over the past couple of months. The good habits I'm trying to reinforce. The bad habits I'm trying to drop. Fast. Problem: bad habits much more difficult to rid ones self of than good habits to create.

Been trying to do more things for myself to maintain sanity. It probably includes more beer drinking than I *ought* to be doing, going to the beach, going to shows (live music, not theatre), and trying to keep myself out of the "emo" Zan place. Have made some interesting new friends, celebrated a friend's wedding, and hosted a party or two myself. Actually, I've been really social and met a ton of new people. Sleep needs to figure in there at some point too.

I'll be back soon, I promise. Probably with more random thoughts from random land.

Life is . . . complicated right now. One of the things I didn't take into account as I started down the path towards permanent change was my constantly changing perspective. About everything. Things that were once dead set "nevers" have become distinct possibilities, and vice versa.

I've always been a contemplative person by nature. Normally, I take an idea, internalize it, analyze, and poke and prod until I begin to understand it. However, when it comes to personal consideration, it takes a significantly longer period for me to accept that new idea, let alone understand it.

When I get stuck in one of these contemplative loops, I've a bad habit of blocking myself off from the people who care about me. I don't disappear or stop hanging out. It's more like I'm there, but not really there.

Most of my friends have watched me drop into isolation mood time and again (which isn't something I do often - I'm too social of a person for that), and it hurts to see them trying to reach out and understand. But despite my best attempts to be completely open and honest with my friends and loved ones, there's always a part of myself I hold back. Maybe it's a once bitten, twice shy mentality, or it could simply be a subconscious desire to seem mysterious - I don't really know.

The tough part is I wind up feeling isolated from the world, and it's entirely of my own making. Sometimes I fear I'm trying to push people away. Probably because I know I have a hard time controlling myself when it comes to having strong feelings about anything.

And I continue with my roundabout logic because it's just feels good to get the words out where someone will see them. Anyway, moving on.

I'm going back to Weight Watchers this weekend, and will post some official stats. Actually, I'm sure I'll be pretty pleased since I'm probably moving on to losing my fourth set of twenty pounds (Go me!).

And on that note, have a good one folks.