Singing for a smaller me

Yes, it's been another couple of weeks since I got my sh*t together and blogged. Problem: I stopped reading your blogs (yes, the little badge on my blog reader reads nearly 300 again! UGH! I kinda FAIL). Funny that, I stop reading blogs, I stop wanting to blog. Connection? I wonder.

Confession Time: I still haven't made it to a Weight Watchers meeting since I last posted. Nor have I made it to the gym. HELP!!!! Mind you, it's not that my motivation has gone away - I still log my food and stay within my weekly POINTS - but I didn't realize how attached I'd grown to that particular meeting time/day and the leader leading it.

I've picked up some new habits - good and bad - over the past couple of months. The good habits I'm trying to reinforce. The bad habits I'm trying to drop. Fast. Problem: bad habits much more difficult to rid ones self of than good habits to create.

Been trying to do more things for myself to maintain sanity. It probably includes more beer drinking than I *ought* to be doing, going to the beach, going to shows (live music, not theatre), and trying to keep myself out of the "emo" Zan place. Have made some interesting new friends, celebrated a friend's wedding, and hosted a party or two myself. Actually, I've been really social and met a ton of new people. Sleep needs to figure in there at some point too.

I'll be back soon, I promise. Probably with more random thoughts from random land.

Life is . . . complicated right now. One of the things I didn't take into account as I started down the path towards permanent change was my constantly changing perspective. About everything. Things that were once dead set "nevers" have become distinct possibilities, and vice versa.

I've always been a contemplative person by nature. Normally, I take an idea, internalize it, analyze, and poke and prod until I begin to understand it. However, when it comes to personal consideration, it takes a significantly longer period for me to accept that new idea, let alone understand it.

When I get stuck in one of these contemplative loops, I've a bad habit of blocking myself off from the people who care about me. I don't disappear or stop hanging out. It's more like I'm there, but not really there.

Most of my friends have watched me drop into isolation mood time and again (which isn't something I do often - I'm too social of a person for that), and it hurts to see them trying to reach out and understand. But despite my best attempts to be completely open and honest with my friends and loved ones, there's always a part of myself I hold back. Maybe it's a once bitten, twice shy mentality, or it could simply be a subconscious desire to seem mysterious - I don't really know.

The tough part is I wind up feeling isolated from the world, and it's entirely of my own making. Sometimes I fear I'm trying to push people away. Probably because I know I have a hard time controlling myself when it comes to having strong feelings about anything.

And I continue with my roundabout logic because it's just feels good to get the words out where someone will see them. Anyway, moving on.

I'm going back to Weight Watchers this weekend, and will post some official stats. Actually, I'm sure I'll be pretty pleased since I'm probably moving on to losing my fourth set of twenty pounds (Go me!).

And on that note, have a good one folks.

There are some people in our lives that build us up and others that tear us down. I don't know about you, but I prefer the former over the latter, and try to keep the latter out of my life at all possible costs.

Over the weekend, someone told me they were proud of me. That's it. Proud of me because I've done so well, and would accept none of my "glass half empty" blah blah blahs about how much further I had to go. I was speechless (which says a lot for me cause I rarely ever stop talking), and it dawned on me that's exactly the sort of person I like to be around.

On the other hand, I met someone recently who - while complimenting me - managed to tear me down every time we talked. I'm sure they felt they were being supportive, but actions speak louder than words. I was able to cut it off at the pass and remove the person from my circle of friends, but their influence was insidious. (Incidentally, this person's time in my life corresponds with my blogging hiatus. Coincidence? I think not.)

It's pretty simple: friends are people you love and trust to support you, not erode your self confidence. I've spent far too much time in the past thinking negatively about myself to keep that kind of cr*p around.

Looking at it now, the contrast between the two is crystal clear: one focused on the accomplishment and strides I've taken, but the other focused on how far I have left to go and what a difficult journey it will be. Truth be told, I vascillate between those two trains of thought more often than I should, but - in the end - I'd rather celebrate myself today than mourn the days to come.

Now, onto that other stuff:

During my blogging hiatus, I finally hit the 50lbs gone mark. Yay!

Then 55lbs. Yay!!

I joined a gym. Yay!!!!

Then I stopped going to Weight Watchers for a month. Boo. It started because Luann, my Wednesday night leader, is no longer at that location, but I do know where she is on Saturdays. Now it's a question of do I go to the Saturday morning meeting or try to find another leader that doesn't bore me to tears.

The past couple of months have brought about a fair bit of revelation about life, what I'm doing with it, what I need in it, and about the people I choose to keep in my life. There's a lot I don't say because I'm frightened people will judge me, which is pretty funny because I've always had a "f*ck 'em if they don't like me" personality.

Opera has, for some time, been a bone of contention. I spent the better part of the past fifteen years pursuing a dream that I didn't really want. It was never really my life or something I loved, but I did a damn good job pretending it was. And I did so because I gave up on the dream that actually made me happy.

Growing up, the thing that made me happiest was musical theatre. My dad grew up in New York going to Broadway plays and, as a piano player, introduced me to the musical theatre classics at a very young age. When my friends were watching MTV, I was humming along to Rodgers & Hammerstein and Lerner & Loewe. My Fair Lady. The King and I. The Sound of Music. I knew those a lot better than I knew any rock band. Some of my fondest memories are standing at the piano with my dad singing "If I Loved You" and "Mister Snow" and a whole slew of others my friends knew nothing of.

The first musical theatre piece I ever auditioned for was Peter Pan, and - if you could believe it - I was cast as Wendy. For a 12 year old kid that was pretty spectacular. The whole process enchanted me: I loved rehearsing, memorizing lines, and staging blocking. Being under the stagelights was intoxicating. It only whetted my appetite for more.

Sadly, that first experience was not typical of the rest of my pre-teen and early teen auditions and theatrical experience. At that age, I hadn't grown into my adult cynicism nor did I know enough to realize that Children's Theatre is extremely political and based an awful lot on how much who's parent is contributing to the company. Entering high school, I had no doubt of the fact that I was talented; I skipped into the Intermediate Acting class in my freshman year, but the theatre director never gave me a solo in the musical theatre variety show, nor did he ever cast me in a "leading" part.

It was brought to my attention at that young age (by another student - surprise!) that yes, I was talented, but I wasn't "thin". It was a pretty crushing blow to my ego. (It's funny - I was at my adult height, and weighed maybe 150 - I'd kill to weigh 150 again.) It felt like no matter what I did, I'd never be enough of the right thing.

My youthful enthusiasm was quickly replaced by bitter apathy, and by fifteen years old, I pretended musical theatre was passe and below me. Truth be told, I gave up on musical theatre because I gave up on myself and believing I could ever find it in myself to be a "normal" size.

How I long to have those fifteen years back! I'd love to smack my fifteen year old self upside the head, tell her to keep on going, that high school was not the end all, be all of musical theatre. And I mourn the past fifteen years because I missed so much happiness by trying to force myself into a mold I didn't fit.

We never mean to give up on hopes or aspirations, but it's a sad reality that our self perception can negatively effect what choices we make in life. There have been several major upheavals in my life recently which forced me to sit down and ask myself what do I really want. Being happy is obviously near the top of that list, and if that means never singing a stitch of opera again, so be it. I'm okay with that.

My body and I are currently at odds with one another. I would like to go out and enjoy the weather that finally seems to be getting better. My body, on the other hand, wants me to laying in the fetal position suffering from cramps. Joy.

Oh, Aunt Flo, I love you but wish you had better timing. Ugh.

Yesterday, I wrote a post about reality tv shows and my shame at getting caught up in the Biggest Loser phenomenon. Of course, I never posted it because I was too busy cooking, finding the perfect "shame" lolcat, and watching the Biggest Loser Finale to post. Ha!

So here it is, a day late, for your viewing pleasure:

Does anyone besides me remember when "Reality" shows ceased being real? Not that they were ever really real, but you know what I mean - before producers started manufacturing conflict by sticking people with polar opposite personalities in the same house and seeing who came out alive. (Does the name Puck ring a bell? Yep, from The Real World on MTV. The beginning of the end.)

I've never been a big fan of reality shows. Survivor sucked, Big Brother made me want to gag, and don't get me started on the Bachelor (or the plus size version "More to Love"). Ugh, Ugh, UGH.

No one was more surprised than me when I was won over by the Biggest Loser. Seriously. I was probably the most vocal person I know about unrealistic expectations and its effect on the plus size population. Every time I turn the television on to watch TBL I have this automatic shame response. To quote Madeline Kahn in Clue, "Fla-, Flames, on the side of my face".

Still, I'm ridiculously excited to watch tonight's Finale. Will Koli or Daris be the last member of the Final Three? I voted for Koli - California girl here. Who's gonna win the at-home prize? My bet is either Darrell or O'Neal. How much more weight will Ashley and Michael have lost? And I can't wait to see Shay weigh in!!!!

Since the hubby will be out with friends, I'm contemplating watching Live instead of recording because - dammit - I don't want it to be spoiled!!!

And - I'm shaking my head in disbelief at thinking this - I can't wait for next season.


(There ends the day late post or what I decided to keep as of this morning)

My reactions to the Biggest Loser finale (in stream of consciousness mode):

• I'm a little frustrated that although TBL is filmed in California, the live Finale episode is broadcast on a tape delay. Not okay with this. Totally not okay.


• Wow, Daris really seems to have figured sh*t out in his head. And his girlfriend is super cute. And he's so nice. Wait, seriously, is Allison crushing on Daris? Cause he kind of looks like a soap star now. A big hunk of farmboy soap star, but still.


• Um, wow, Koli, the pink pants have got to go. And please remember to pull your shoulders back. Okay, not surprised America voted you out of the Top Three.


• Shay looks beautiful. Is it just me or does her make-up seem a little on orange-y side?


• Yay! Eric lost a lot of the weight again. Sweet. Wait, how long has it been since the episode where he was on advising the contestants on the pitfalls of leaving the ranch?!?!


• Cherita and Victoria - you have got to give Cherita some serious credit here, she looks fab and she never spent a day on the Ranch. Just goes to show you what you can do at home.


• Sherry and Maria - holy cow, look at how tiny Sherry is. My god! And Maria - she looks fifteen years younger. Seriously. She looks younger than Rebecca did at the Finale last season.


• Patti and Stephanie - I love Stephanie. She's super cute and I totally identify with her.


• John and James - Good to go, boys.


• Melissa and Lance - Wow, Melissa looks hot. Amazingly hot, and she's really pretty. Still a b*tch apparently. And Lance, wow, guess he can start trying to get that job back now.


• Migdalia and Miggy - Wow, Miggy. Wow. That's all I have to say. Holy Cow! Why am I not surprised that they had these guys come out at the same time as Melissa and Lance? Guess the producers wanted to see if they could start a fight and really raise the ratings. Since hockey season is basically over and all.


• O'Neal and Sunshine. Love O'Neal. Love. Love. Love. And the suit: wow. Sunshine - I would have loved to see her in her makeover episode dress, but still pretty freaking amazing.


• Darrell and Andrea. I don't know what to say because Darrell looks so totally different. I'm in shock. But not. Because I knew he could do it. See, I said Darrell or O'Neal.


• Cheryl - O.M.G. She looks so super cute and dainty. And then they're showing that screaming footage. And then cute and dainty. Rawr.


• Sam and Koli. Surprise, Sam is cute, Koli isn't standing up straight. Hatecakes on the pink pants. Woops, looks like it's gonna be Koli. Huh.


• Love, love, love the whole Marilyn Monroe-esque look Ashley has going on. Super hot!


• Wow, Michael looks great. But he needs to lose the jeans and the belt buckle. Not okay. Really not okay. And wait, is there something going on between Michael and Ashley cause it looked like he was about to kiss her.


• Did the make-up artists go a little heavy on the bronzer and self tanners? because, yeah, it was not okay.


• Oops, surprise, Michael won. I knew if Koli wasn't in the Top Three Michael was gonna win.

Okay, gonna go hang my head in shame now.

I finally got rid of some dead weight this weekend. And by dead weight, I mean most of those freaking clothes piling up in my guest room waiting to be donated or gifted to friends. After the Great Clothing Purge of March 2010, it just started piling up in there with promises from friends to come by and figure out what they wanted. It took a while to happen.

That great event finally occurred this weekend when I hosted a "Girly Day" at my house Sunday. This is the second one we've (me and my friends) held, but it's starting to become something of a tradition. So, every couple of months one of us hosts said day at their home and with liberal application of your chosen drink, there is much nail polishing, hair styling, gossiping (lots and lots of gossiping), and - as in the case of this weekend - swapping of clothing.

Back in March, after the First Great Clothing Purge, the guest room looked something like this:




Bear in mind this doesn't include the additional pieces that made it into our guest room over the next two months. Part of me wishes I'd taken a picture before yesterdays ransacking, but - at the same time - it's better to just move on. (I'll take a picture of the remnants, but I'd say of the original pile maybe a quarter remains).

To give you an idea of just how much clothing I gave away and just how much clothing I *had*: one friend took four large shopping bags full of clothes, there was enough for people to take away an additional five or six large shopping bags, and I *still* have 20% of it left (and a pile of 10 - 15 shirts to send to my mom cause she's losing weight too).

Can we say clothes horse? Yep. That would be me. I think I might have a bit of a problem. Fortunately, I'm determined to never become a hoarder of any type, so with my closet significantly reduced in content, I'm heading in the right direction, and have no intention of letting it get that bad again. Ever.

I had all kinds of grand intentions, too, of making healthy snacks from the two Hungry Girl Cookbooks I picked up a few weeks back, but that never materialized. No, instead, I've added another food to the list of "I just can't have it around the house or I'm gonna gorge myself sick on it": Tortilla chips. Oh. My. God. I put out celery sticks with homemade low-fat ranch dressing however, but the tortilla chips (and egg rolls) called my name. And just so you know, the only thing I provided was the celery and ranch, the rest was brought in.

Actually, looking at my weekend food consumption, it could have been a lot worse. Still, there are a few things I need to work on in the weekends to come:

• Less salt. Holy cow, I'm retaining so much water from this weekend it's nuts.


• More fruits and vegetables. Yeah, I might have had five total servings of fruits and vegetables over the entire weekend. Might have. Gotta work on that.


• Less coffee, more water. I've got the water drinking thing down pat Monday thru Friday, but give me a weekend and several pounds of coffee on hand and it's caffeine city for me, baby.


• And, although it's not food related, I need to get more exercise. We went to Maker Faire on Saturday and walked a couple miles worth around the San Mateo Event Center, yes, but I prefer something a little more strenuous in terms of intenstiy.

Have a great week folks, I'll see ya real soon!

Last night, the hubby and I along with our best friend, Cassie, went over to T.G.I. Friday's for dinner. In my usual fashion, I hopped onto their website beforehand to see what I wanted to order. Game off! Although Friday's claims that their nutritional information is readily available, what I found was a link directing me back to their menu where I found nothing!!

Before heading out to dinner, I took the opportunity to complete the conveniently available complaint form from their website. I wish I'd saved a copy, but basically said: Dear Friday's, you'd think as the times are changing and people are becoming more aware of what they eat, you would take responsibility and make something as simple as basic nutritional information readily available on your website. No love, me. Okay, it was longer than that, but that's the gist.

Frustrated, but still wanting to enjoy an evening out, we headed on out.

Knowing as I do that they wouldn't just hand it to me, I asked for a copy of the nutritional menu in addition to their normal menu. Guess what? I discovered why Friday's makes it so impossible to find. Did you know that around 80% of T.G.I.Friday's menu is over 1000 calories? Oh, yeah, you read that right. Around 80% of their menu is over 1000 calories. Holy carp!

I was in total disbelief and continued to stare at that menu, willing it to have more healthy selections. It just got worse and worse as I continued to stare and stare. Dear lord in heaven, is it any wonder that people are getting heavier and heavier?

Let's take a guess as to what an average group of four people orders at Friday's:

1. Appetizer: Between 1400 and 2500 calories. Divide by four, so 350 - 625 calories per person just for the appetizer.


2. Entree: From 350 (for their lowest cal entree) to 2000 calories per person.


3. Drinks: Assume the average person consumes one alcholic beverage over the course of a meal, so 100 - 300 calories (figuring on the low side here).


4. Dessert: Anywhere from 400 - 1000 calories.

Hmm, totalling that up the average person eats, conservatively, 350 calories for an appetizer, 1000 for entree (because that's the Friday's average), 200 for the drink, and 400 for the dessert. That's 1950 calories for the typical meal!!! Excuse me! What?

It's official, T.G.I.Friday's doesn't give a damn about people's health or offering healthy choices.

This morning, I received a response to yesterday's complaint. I wasn't expecting much, possibly some reassurance that they do have healthy choices on their menu (ha!), but what I got was a form letter. A form letter that was obviously cut and pasted from different responses that had nothing to do with what I complained about. See for yourself:

Dear Suzanne:

Thank you for notifying Guest Relations of your unsatisfactory experience at T.G.I. Friday's. We realize the importance of your time and appreciate you bringing this to our attention.

As healthy eating continues to diversify, T.G.I. Friday’s restaurants understand that people have different nutritional desires. Our menu offers a wide variety of cravable items which are prepared by our staff using our proprietary recipes. Although we have great procedures in place, any deviation from our recipe would alter nutritional information. Deviation could simply mean the restaurant substituted one of the ingredients from a different or local vendor.

Currently, I do not have the recipe or ingredient statements available for many of our menu items. Nutritional information we provide is currently available on our website menu and our dining menu. Throughout the menu item selections you will find items which have approximately 10g FAT AND 500 CALORIES, in addition to our section known as “Better For You” which will provided you with information to "Low Carb" or “Low Fat” - items which have approximately 10g FAT AND 500 CALORIES.

T.G.I. Friday’s guests, like yourself, expect our high standard of great taste, innovation, and value. Please continue to visit www.fridays.com as we expand our offerings even more.

Your concern has been shared with our management team. We hope to provide the best possible service during your next visit. Please contact Guest Relations at 800-FRIDAY’S, option 1 for any additional comments.

Kind regards.

XXXXX
Guest Relations

I think it's time to call Friday's Guest Relations and explain to them that they might need to actually read complaints before responding. Tell me, when I tell you your website sucks and I can't find basic information, why would you then direct me to your website???

Urgh, I'm so upset with the whole restaurant industry. Seriously, does no one care about keeping their customers alive anymore? Obviously not, or you'd have meal choices that aren't going to give one a freaking coronary!

I don't know why I expected any kind of decent response. Corporations are just out to make money, they don't give a damn about us or anyone. But I do know this, I'm going to do my damndest to make sure T.G.I.Friday's knows just how upset I am, for as long as it takes for them to make some kind of change.