Singing for a smaller me

Yes, it's been another couple of weeks since I got my sh*t together and blogged. Problem: I stopped reading your blogs (yes, the little badge on my blog reader reads nearly 300 again! UGH! I kinda FAIL). Funny that, I stop reading blogs, I stop wanting to blog. Connection? I wonder.

Confession Time: I still haven't made it to a Weight Watchers meeting since I last posted. Nor have I made it to the gym. HELP!!!! Mind you, it's not that my motivation has gone away - I still log my food and stay within my weekly POINTS - but I didn't realize how attached I'd grown to that particular meeting time/day and the leader leading it.

I've picked up some new habits - good and bad - over the past couple of months. The good habits I'm trying to reinforce. The bad habits I'm trying to drop. Fast. Problem: bad habits much more difficult to rid ones self of than good habits to create.

Been trying to do more things for myself to maintain sanity. It probably includes more beer drinking than I *ought* to be doing, going to the beach, going to shows (live music, not theatre), and trying to keep myself out of the "emo" Zan place. Have made some interesting new friends, celebrated a friend's wedding, and hosted a party or two myself. Actually, I've been really social and met a ton of new people. Sleep needs to figure in there at some point too.

I'll be back soon, I promise. Probably with more random thoughts from random land.

Life is . . . complicated right now. One of the things I didn't take into account as I started down the path towards permanent change was my constantly changing perspective. About everything. Things that were once dead set "nevers" have become distinct possibilities, and vice versa.

I've always been a contemplative person by nature. Normally, I take an idea, internalize it, analyze, and poke and prod until I begin to understand it. However, when it comes to personal consideration, it takes a significantly longer period for me to accept that new idea, let alone understand it.

When I get stuck in one of these contemplative loops, I've a bad habit of blocking myself off from the people who care about me. I don't disappear or stop hanging out. It's more like I'm there, but not really there.

Most of my friends have watched me drop into isolation mood time and again (which isn't something I do often - I'm too social of a person for that), and it hurts to see them trying to reach out and understand. But despite my best attempts to be completely open and honest with my friends and loved ones, there's always a part of myself I hold back. Maybe it's a once bitten, twice shy mentality, or it could simply be a subconscious desire to seem mysterious - I don't really know.

The tough part is I wind up feeling isolated from the world, and it's entirely of my own making. Sometimes I fear I'm trying to push people away. Probably because I know I have a hard time controlling myself when it comes to having strong feelings about anything.

And I continue with my roundabout logic because it's just feels good to get the words out where someone will see them. Anyway, moving on.

I'm going back to Weight Watchers this weekend, and will post some official stats. Actually, I'm sure I'll be pretty pleased since I'm probably moving on to losing my fourth set of twenty pounds (Go me!).

And on that note, have a good one folks.