Singing for a smaller me

Last week, I laid out my plan for reaching that mystical place called ONEderland. You know? Where your weight begins with a one?!? Yeah, the holidays probably aren’t the most spectacular time to challenge yourself to lose weight, but I know if I can do it now, I can do it any time.

Here’s what I wrote last week:

This is the first time in god knows how many years that seeing the other side of two hundred pounds was a distinct possibility. With that in mind, I've decided to set a goal/challenge for myself to see me through to that legendary place called ONEderland. Understand, very rarely do I set date specific goals. I find, in most cases, they just set you up for failure. In this case, though, setting a 25 lb goal seems reasonable and - most importantly - attainable.

My goal/challenge to myself is: By March 7th, I'd like to be somewhere near (within five lbs) or in ONEderland. I've broken this challenge up into five pieces:

GOAL 1: Seventy Pounds Gone (221.6 lbs)
GOAL 2: Get Under a BMI of 35.0 (216 lbs)
GOAL 3: Eighty Pounds Gone (211.6 lbs)
GOAL 4: Ninety Pounds Gone (201.6 lbs)
GOAL 5: ONEderland (199 lbs)

Simple enough, right? Well, I'm retroactively starting my challenge from Monday of this week, running 12 weeks from December 13, 2010 - March 7, 2011 for an average of slightly more than 2 lbs a week. I know this is something I can achieve and I'm looking forward to the days when my weight doesn't start with a two.

1. Log any holiday cookies I eat.


2. Keep up with my water consumption every day during the holiday break.


3. Get in at least four days of exercise this week.

My typical Friday night out usually includes going out to dinner and, later, out to the pub. Any normal Friday this usually means I drink a couple of beers and hang out until one or two a.m. then head home.

Last night, was not a typical Friday.

One of my headlights went out a few days ago and I haven't had the chance to get it fixed. Not being in the mood to get pulled over, I put it out to the world (my twitter friends) that I wouldn't be making it out unless I could get a ride to and from the pub. Ride acquired.

Having already partook at a holiday party (one cosmo - 7 WW Points! Not worth it!), not having to drive, and it being a friend's birthday meant I took it as an excuse to imbibe WAAAYYY too much. Three beers and two shots was the final tally I believe (I essentially had a full day's worth of Points purely in alcoholic beverages yesterday).

Gah, I have no freaking willpower.

Today, I'm feeling the effects of the night's excess. Had all sorts of glorious plans to wake up early, get some shopping done, work out, and get started on holiday baking. At this moment (noon!!), I am a) in bed, b) trying to convince myself to work out, and c) failing miserably.

Help!!!

Friday's meal plan to come later, when I can convince myself to actually log all that alcohol.

Hope I didn't come off too emo in my last post, nor give the impression that I'm giving up singing entirely. Believe me when I say that it is not the case in the slightest.

Part of my frustration stems from the fact that it used to be, at this time of year, I was invited to sing at a number of holiday events. During college, my choral professor brought me in (along with several others from the touring choir) to beef up his church choir. It got to the point that I couldn't plan on going to/having a New Year's Eve party because I - inevitably - was booked to sing in a gig.

Now, it seems like those opportunities are going to anyone else but me. I see flyers for events with familiar names, and it's like I've become a non-entity. People don't think about me anymore when scheduling performances. They haven't stopped happening, so my brain logically thinks, "what the hell is wrong with me"?

A wonderful lady I've sang with several times in the past left a very sweet comment on my facebook asking me not to give up singing and saying she would personally let me know about Outreach events occuring where they really need singers. Thank you, L, for reaching out.

I need to remember: a lot of this has happened because I - basically - dropped out of sight over the past year. Focusing almost exclusively on getting rid of the pounds has isolated me from many of the things I used to do. And I've also branched out into a number of other activities that, often, prevent me from getting out there.

There's a lot of things I need to make decisions about for the upcoming year. Maybe I'll reach goal, maybe I won't. I do, however, need to put some serious thought into what it is I want to do with my singing and what priority it will take in my life. For now, I have no answers; I'm pretty content just being.

Moving on...

Last night, the DH and I went - along with the BFF - over to Stanley's Sports Bar to watch the San Jose Sharks vs. Dallas Stars game (yep, I'm a huge hockey fan. Only sport I watch. Go figure, live in California in a place where it never snows and have a thing for a winter sport - haha!).

Have you ever noticed just how BUILT hockey players are? Day-um. Just sayin'.

Back to the point: sports bar. Bars of any sort. They're a little difficult for me because I enjoy drinking and its social aspects. It's easy to knock back a beer (or three! And shots! And margaritas!) without thinking about it. Add to that tasty bar food, and you have a real recipe for "ohmygod-how-many-points-did-I-just-have?!?!?!?!?!"

Anyhow, I'm gonna crow because I did really well last night. Only had one mozzarella stick and one piece of fried zucchini. Go me! Then ordered a chicken breast sandwich on whole wheat, didn't eat all the bread, nibbled on a couple of fries, and gave the rest to the DH. Finally, I only drank one beer! Yep, just one! Then drank water for the rest of the game. It's happy dance time because this is a HUGE victory. Super Huge. Big, freaking, honking huge!

On that note, here's my Thursday meal tracker (including my super duper victory from yesterday!!!):

Thursday's Meal Tracker:

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Daily PointsPlus Target: 35
Weekly PointsPlus Remaining: 39
Weekly Activity Points Earned: 28
Weekly Activity Points Used: 0

Activity:
Biggest Loser Boot Camp, Level One - 3 Activity Points Earned
Yoga, 40 minutes - 3 Activity Points Earned

Breakfast:
Egg white scramble - 3 Points
- 1/2 cup egg whites
- 1 wedge Laughing Cow Light Original Swiss
- 1 svg. Kirkland Signature Bacon Pieces
Green Monster Smoothie - 3 Points

Morning Snack:
None.

Lunch:
Lean Cuisine Santa Fe Style Black Beans & Rice - 7 Points
Ghiradelli Chocolate Square with Mint Filling - 2 Points

Afternoon Snack:
Fresh Fruit Salad - 0 Points

Dinner:
1 mozzarella stick - 2 Points
Fried Zucchini - 1 Point
1 1/2 pieces Wheat Bread - 2 Points
Bacon, 1 1/2 slices - 2 Points
BBQ Sauce, 1 tbsp - 1 Point
Chicken Breast, 6 oz - 6 Points
Several French Fries, Baked - 2 Points
Beer - 5 Points

Dessert:
None.

Daily PointsPlus Eaten: 36
Weekly PointsPlus Remaining: 38
Weekly Activity Points Earned: 34
Weekly Activity Points Used: 0

Holy cr*p! I'm nearly at 42 Weekly Activity Points Earned - the WW max for swapping! And there's still three more days of tracking this week. Not that I plan on dipping into them.

Have a good one folks!!!!

(Please Note: the title of this post has entirely nothing to do with its contents.)

Confession time: I've been playing with the idea of renaming this blog. The singing part? Frankly, it's not happening right now. Not that I haven't tried, but even with 65+ lbs gone, no one's hiring. Thing is, I love singing. Seriously, I sing all.the.freaking.time. In my car? Yep. Decorating the Christmas Tree? Yep. Sitting at my desk at work without even realizing I'm doing it? Yep.

Now, I get nothing but good feedback from my auditions, and can usually count on a callback, but - in the end - it's the director's decision. When you have a sea of fifty women who are all equally good, it always comes down to looks and personal taste. When you're the only one or one of two larger women called back, unless you are so completely frakking spectacular (like fireworks are going off when you sing and a Souza March playing in the background), and there's a smaller person to cast - guess who it's gonna be?

Really, though, I'm okay with it. It's been giving me plenty of time to focus on what I'm doing right now. And find other ways to get my singing in public fix.

That fix has recently come by going out to karaoke bars, not too often, but every couple of weeks. There's this great one I go to Monday nights that isn't too packed, and I can crank out a good five or six songs between 8:30 p.m. and midnight. Grab a couple girlfriends, a couple of beers, and you have one great night out. But wild horses couldn't drag the DH out.

I used to get my singing in public fix at this one place in Sunnyvale that closed down a year or so back. Gah, I miss it soooo much. The restaurant - Cattleman's - had a Thursday and Friday night open mic jazz night in the bar, piano player provided. Sometimes a drummer would sit in, and from time to time a stand-up bass player. All you had to do was bring lead sheets enough for the band and get up to sing. This was freaking heaven. I loooove singing jazz. It's fun, it's totally different from classical music, and it gives your improvisation chops a serious workout.

However, when I look at what I'm doing singing-wise now, I can't help but be disappointed. There's this little part of me that worries if I suck, if people are just humoring me, or if they don't want me around. It's just a little bit paranoid, but I was doing so well there for a while.

At the same time, I can't fixate on this. There is more to me than singing and weight loss (there's beer! HAHAHAHA!). Sometimes I worry if I've pigeon-holed myself into talking ONLY about singing and weight-loss related activities, and that makes Zan a Dull Girl.

Here's your warning. There might be a name change here in the near future, so don't be scared.

And, while I'm at it, here's yesterday's food tracker:

Wednesday's Meal Tracker:

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Daily PointsPlus Target: 35
Weekly PointsPlus Remaining: 39
Weekly Activity Points Earned: 18
Weekly Activity Points Used: 0

Activity:
Stairs, 3 Activity Points Earned
Biggest Loser Cardio Max, 7 Activity Points Earned

Breakfast:
Green Monster Smoothie - 3 Points
Yep, the Points went up. I started adding a whole cup of Light Soymilk and less water.

Morning Snack:
2 Archer Farms Organic Strawberry Fruit Strips - 2 Points

Lunch:
Eating Right Black Bean Soup - 4 Points
Archer Farms Organic Strawberry Fruit Strip - 1 Point
Baby Carrots - 0 Points
Ranch Dressing, 2 tsp - 1 Point

Afternoon Snack:
Yoplait Light Strawberry Yogurt - 3 Points

Dinner:
Round Table, Skinny Crust, Guinevere's Garden Delight Personal Pizza - 12 Points
DH's Pizza crusts - 7 Points

Dessert:
Hershey's Chocolate Miniature, 2 pieces - 2 Points

Daily PointsPlus Eaten: 35
Weekly PointsPlus Remaining: 39
Weekly Activity Points Earned: 28
Weekly Activity Points Used: 0

I can't tell you how happy I am that I didn't dip into my weekly points. The DH and I are going to a work-related Holiday Party tomorrow after work, then after that my usual pub night out with friends. Probably equals a good 10 or 12 point dip into the Weekly Points.

And on an entirely different note, I should think twice about doing two different Bob Harper workouts in two days. That man loves lunges so much, and I hate them, so do my calves. Ugh. So sore, but at least it's a good sore.

Have a good one folks.

It's been a long time since I saw the other side of two hundred pounds. Years and years and YEARS. Somehow in every previous incarnation of my weight reduction self, getting to the other side of 250 meant I started slacking, and eventually dropped completely off the wagon. I don't know what it is, whether I was scared of success or that elusive, mystical, magical land of health.

And when I went off plan? If you can think of an excuse, I used it. Here are some gems that folks will likely recognize, I'm sure:

- I'm happy at this weight.
- I wanna be able to eat whatever I want.
- Exercise is hard.
- I wasn't meant to be skinny.
- I don't feel *that* bad.

You know what? Every time I claimed I was happy being severely obese, or whined I wasn't meant to be skinny, or said I didn't feel that bad, I WAS LYING! I'd see people who had managed to do exactly what I was claiming I couldn't, and it made me so green with envy.

There's times I think about it and get angry at myself, but if there's one thing I've learned it's that we can't change the past, what's important is what we're doing now. So, instead of getting angry at myself for past mistakes, I must remember what I've accomplished and that it's something to be proud of. Now, I've said it before and I'll say it again, this is the longest I've ever made a lifestyle change and stuck with it. See, I'm proud.

Back to the point of this post (yep, I wandered off on a tangent - SURPRISE!)

This is the first time in god knows how many years that seeing the other side of two hundred pounds was a distinct possibility. With that in mind, I've decided to set a goal/challenge for myself to see me through to that legendary place called ONEderland. Understand, very rarely do I set date specific goals. I find, in most cases, they just set you up for failure. In this case, though, setting a 25 lb goal seems reasonable and - most importantly - attainable.

My goal/challenge to myself is: By March 7th, I'd like to be somewhere near (within five lbs) or in ONEderland. I've broken this challenge up into five pieces:

GOAL 1: Seventy Pounds Gone (221.6 lbs)
GOAL 2: Get Under a BMI of 35.0 (216 lbs)
GOAL 3: Eighty Pounds Gone (211.6 lbs)
GOAL 4: Ninety Pounds Gone (201.6 lbs)
GOAL 5: ONEderland (199 lbs)

Simple enough, right? Well, I'm retroactively starting my challenge from Monday of this week, running 12 weeks from December 13, 2010 - March 7, 2011 for an average of slightly more than 2 lbs a week. I know this is something I can achieve and I'm looking forward to the days when my weight doesn't start with a two.

The first stumbling block in my challenge? The Cookie Baking craziness I'm throwing myself into this weekend. Chocolate chip cookies and ginger snaps and sugar cookies and peanut butter cookies, oh my! They're mostly going to good homes, but I've no doubt a goodly number will stay put right at home.

In other news, the Christmas tree is completely decorated and most of the Holiday decorating is done. Yay! That's one thing crossed off my to-do list. In its place, I add the next to-do: Christmas Cards and Christmas Shopping. Gah.

And following up on my list of Goals for this week, here my food tracker from yesterday:

Tuesday's Meal Tracker:

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Daily PointsPlus Target: 35
Weekly PointsPlus Remaining: 42
Weekly Activity Points Earned: 6
Weekly Activity Points Used: 0

Activity:
The Firm Cardio Overdrive, 12 Activity Points Earned

Breakfast:
1/2 Cup Better'N Eggs All Whites - 1 Point
1 Wedge Laughing Cow Light Original Swiss - 1 Point
Green Monster Smoothie - 2 Points

Morning Snack:
None.

Lunch:
Lean Cuisine Sesame Stir Fry with Chicken - 7 Points
So Delicious Soy Ice Cream Sandwich - 2 Points

Afternoon Snack:
Apple - 0 Points
Baby Carrots - 0 Points
Ranch Dressing, 2 tsp - 1 Point

Dinner:
Miso Soup - 2 Points
1 cup White Rice - 5 Points
Sashimi, 9 pieces - 3 Points
Sashimi (Salmon), 3 pieces - 2 Points
Sushi Roll, 3 pieces - 3 Points
Mixed Green Salad - 0 Points
Sesame Salad Dressing - 2 Points
1 Piece Vegetable Tempura (Squash) - 2 Points
Edamame, 1/2 cup - 1 Point

Dessert:
2 pieces Ghiradelli Peppermint Bark - 4 Points

Daily PointsPlus Eaten: 38 (3 Weekly Points Used)
Weekly PointsPlus Remaining: 39
Weekly Activity Points Earned: 18
Weekly Activity Points Used: 0

Yeah, the Peppermint Bark took me into my Weekly Points, but I planned on it. Yay! Have a good one folks!

In my last post, one of my goals was to track every bite I eat this week. I know I've been bad about this in recent months, grabbing a little bite here and little bite there, then forgetting about it. So, here it is:

Monday, December 13, 2010

Daily PointsPlus Target: 35
Weekly PointsPlus Remaining: 49
Weekly Activity Points Earned: 0
Weekly Activity Points Used: 0

Activity:
Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred, Level One, 6 Activity Points Earned

Breakfast:
1/2 Cup Better'N Eggs All Whites - 1 Point
Green Monster Smoothie - 2 Points

Morning Snack:
Fiber One Chewy Bars, Oats & Chocolate - 4 Points

Lunch:
Eating Right Split Pea Soup - 4 Points
Snow Peas, 1/2 Cup - 0 Points
Baby Carrots, 1 Cup - 0 Points
Cheese, 1/2 oz - 2 Points
Ranch Dressing, 1 tsp - 1 Point

Afternoon Snack:
2 Hershey's Miniatures - 2 Points

Late Afternoon Snack:
WW Dark Chocolate Turtle Bar - 2 Points
Handed out at my WW meeting. Wouldn't have touched it otherwise.

Dinner:
Wendy's Spicy Caesar Salad - 12 Points
Wendy's Lemon Caesar Dressing, 1/2 packet - 2 Points
Wendy's Small Chili, No Cheese - 5 Points
Wendy's Fries, 4 Fries - 1 Point
Wendy's Chicken Nugget, 1 Nugget - 1 Point
Soda, 8 oz. - 3 Points
The fries, chicken nugget and soda were all from the DH's meal. Fries eaten in car on way home from picking up food for dinner. The soda was because it was there and the DH didn't finish it. The chicken nugget? Dunno why I ate it.

Daily PointsPlus Eaten: 42 (7 Weekly Points Used)
Weekly PointsPlus Remaining: 42
Weekly Activity Points Earned: 6
Weekly Activity Points Used: 0

Let's look at this: I had an extra seven Points almost without thinking. I wouldn't be upset if those foods had satisfied me in some way, but as I recall they only made me want more junk.

On the plus side, up until lunch I was completely on plan. As a matter of fact, if it weren't for the unplanned foods (WW Dark Chocolate turtle bar, fries, chicken nugget and soda), I wouldn't have gone into my Weekly Points at all. But if I was doing this all week long last week, then I'm not surprised I had a small gain this week.

Fact: About five months ago I stopped drinking my green goo (read: green monster
smoothie).

Fact: About five months ago I stopped going to Weight Watchers.

Fact: About five months ago I stopped exercising regularly.

Conclusion: By no longer guzzling the green goo, I fell off the wagon. HAHAHAHAHA!

Okay, okay! So it's not entirely accurate (and fallacious reasoning I might add), yet - I promise - these things are actually related to one another. However, one did not specifically lead to the other.

Even though they are ridiculously yummy, in my mind I identify the morning smoothie as "Health Food". Yes, it's tasty. Yes, it's filling. But it's also entirely associated with my weight reduction program. I started drinking the smoothies when I started blogging (and going to WW), hence, Health Food.

Further, In the morning, I'm more of a grab and go kinda person. Making a morning smoothie requires me to actually put aside five minutes of my precious time (time I could be in bed, asleep) to pull together the ingredients and blend them. You might be thinking "Five minutes isn't that much time!!", and you're right, but in the mystical world of Zan five more minutes of sleep could be the difference between "grr" grumpy and "hi" happy.

So, continuing to make smoothies every morning is an exercise in willpower which, in turn, adds fuel to the fire of determination, and provides that kick in the pants I need to wake up at five or five thirty a.m. every weekday and workout.

Alright, maybe this isn't so much about green smoothies as it is about exercising some self discipline. And I can proudly say I've been employing it to great effect: waking up at five a.m., getting in a good workout, making breakfast to actually eat AT HOME, making up smoothies, and still giving myself more than enough time to look perfectly polished before heading off to work.

Yep, I'm crowing just a little bit (A LOT!!!). It is amazing what you can do when you put your mind to it.

In other news, went to Weight Watchers last night (yay, three weeks in a row!). Was up a little (boo!), but I chalk it up to a) not tracking as well as I should, b) Aunt Flo's on her way to visit, and c) added in a pretty intense toning workout several times a week.

Three Goals for Success in the Coming Week:

1. Track everything I eat. Even if I don't want to.


2. Lay off the candy jar at work. There's Ghiradelli Peppermint Bark at home, and that's way tastier than anything in that candy jar.


3. Cook a couple of meals at home.


4. (okay, four, I lied) Get the rest of the Xmas stuff up (not specifically related, but it'll make me feel A LOT better)

Been feeling pretty down today after seeing a picture of me from the weekend. You know how it is, feeling kinda awesome and thinking you look pretty good, then BANG, there's this picture and it isn't what you thought.

Sunday afternoon, I took the opportunity (willingly!) to go hiking with some friends down at Uvas Canyon County Park. The weather was perfect, sixty some odd degrees (yes, sixty - that's why I live in California), and we were in the middle of a reprieve from the rain. What better opportunity to get out, enjoy ourselves and catch up with some friends I hadn't seen in a while?

WARNING: This is not the Zan you're looking for, she has been replaced by some alternate universe version of herself.

Like I said, I was feeling really good about myself, and the hike was a lot of fun. One friend was running around taking pictures most of the hike. Instead of hiding from the camera, I was interested to see how I looked after losing 65+ lbs.

Here's a sampling of the thoughts that ran through my head after seeing some of these pictures: a) I obviously have a lot more work to do; b) my thighs look like sausages; c) won't be wearing those jeans again for a while; d) is my belly really THAT big?; e) Dear lord in heaven, why is my forehead sooooo freaking large; and several other really ugly thoughts that I will not share here.

Guess who's their own worst critic? Oh yeah, that'd be me.

Part of me contemplated posting the offending picture here and circling everything I find wrong with it. Which isn't a good idea.

Why, why, WHY do I have to pick apart every miniscule detail? What is it about me that can't celebrate obvious progress? So, to be fair, I was never all that fab about myself in pictures even when I was younger and much smaller. So why should I be okay with them now? I'll probably never get over this whole not liking pictures of myself thing.

So, instead of obsessing over that freaking picture (which I've been doing - all morning), I've decided to focus on something positive.

Good thoughts for today:

1) I went effing hiking. And enjoyed it.
2) I'm wearing smaller sizes than I've worn in ages.
3) None of those sizes begin with a two followed by another number.
4) I feel amazing, and can do so many things that I couldn't do a year ago.

Alright, obsessing mostly over, moving on, nothing more to see here. And hope everyone has a great week!

Butt kicks. If you're a Jillian Michaels (JM) fan at all, you probably know the exercise I'm talking about. For anyone else, it's an old school calisthenics exercise wherein you're essentially running in place trying to kick yourself in the butt. Ha, ha, hence the name.

Now, imagine those butt kicks in the same circuit as high knee runs. Then add in some jumping jacks. And just for fun, another grueling exercise with some kind of plyo component or such crazy jazz, and then do it all over again. This, my friends, is ONE CIRCUIT of Jillian Michaels Banish Fat, Boost Metabolism (BFBM). There's a full on five additional circuits of this hell (it's frakking relentless). And this is the workout I - willingly - did this morning.

Yup, my butt has definitely been kicked - both metaphorically and physically.

Honestly, Jillian Michaels scares the living sh*t out of me. If I see a workout with her name on it, a little shiver of fear runs down my spine. One might think that if I'm sooooo afraid of her and her workouts, I - like any reasonably logical person - would stay as far away from them as humanly possible. WRONG. SO WRONG. OH NO, instead my crazy self has to go buy the freaking thing, let it sit on the shelf for a few months just so I can fear it a little bit more, and finally work up the courage to have my ass handed to me after being pounded into mush.

The most frightening part of this whole thing? I love it. If a workout isn't scaring the hell out of me, kicking my ass or pushing my limits, I'm bored. Like walking, for instance; it just doesn't do it for me. Walking is a mode of transportation from one place to another, that's all. It's not a workout. The few times I've walked as my daily activity, I got so ridiculously bored. If I have to go someplace a mile or two away, I'm happy to walk it. But tell me to go walk two miles for no reason? No thanks.

Lately, I've noticed that most of the workouts I did when I started out exercising last year and thought were hard are barely blips on the radar. That WW Get in Shape (or whatever the title was from ages ago) with the low, medium and high intensity workouts? Yeah, I don't touch the low or medium intensity workouts anymore. And the high intensity workout? Barely difficult enough to keep my attention for thirty minutes.

Thing is, this is such an unusual feeling. Really. When did I become that chick who has to do the super hard workout (and don't get me wrong, I know there's waaaaayyy harder workouts out there than I do) to feel like she's actually working? That isn't me. But it is. It's the new me. The new me has the desire to be in the best shape she can because it feels so damn good.

It makes me realize that my secret ambition, that thing I've always wanted, but never thought possible, really is in the realm of possiblity. This deep-seated desire to just be able to run isn't a pipe dream. All those butt kicks? high knee runs? jogging in place? If you really think about it, that's running. Or at least a prelude to it. Maybe I've been making excuses all along. Well, I'm not making excuses anymore. If I can face the terror that is JM, I can learn to run.

Wow, real soon turned into a month and a half. Spectacular. Welcome to the world of "OMG, I lag so freaking much".

You know, I actually start every week with the intention of writing a blog post, but by week's end have managed to completely forget and/or move on to something else. Did I mention I'm a little scattered lately? Ha!!

Truthfully, I haven't had much to say the past few months because I wasn't actively pursuing weight loss, and other related guilt issues surrounding my lack of motivation. However, in news of the thank-god-I-finally-did-it variety, I'm back at Weight Watchers meetings on a regular basis (and aren't you glad I'll stop WHINING about it now). Granted, it took the introduction of a new food plan to make me drag my butt back to a meeting, but there I went. And surprise, in the months between now and stopping, I managed to get rid of nearly eight pounds! Not too bad for a girl who mostly stopped thinking about it.

Now, the introduction of the Points Plus system took me by surprise. The smack myself upside the head for not paying much attention to the blogging world or going to meetings kind of surprise. Seriously, the first I heard of this MAJOR plan change was a few weeks back because of this notice on my iPhone. It prompted me to delve back into the blogging world in search of news about this new plan I'd never heard anything about, but apparently it was everywhere. Why am I the last one to figure these things out?

Okay, bad Zan, no cookie.

My initial reaction? Denial. BUT I LIKE POINTS!!!! I've liked the Points system since it was introduced in the 90's! I won't give up my Points! Grr! Argh! Roar! *sulk* They can keep their stupid new plan, I'll just keep doing Points. But once I got over my impression of a preteen throwing a temper tantrum, logic prevailed (Damn you logic and your whole sensibility thing!!!). I've followed other plans and been successful. Further, reason dictates WW wouldn't release a plan that didn't work. Might be that whole them being a business and making money. Or something like that.

Week One Verdict? I like it. My reluctance stemmed from a desire to keep on doing the same thing. I knew the old plan, I didn't have to think about it. The new plan, on the other hand, really makes me think about WHAT it is I'm eating, not just how much I'm eating (which, BTW, 0 PointsPlus Fruit, ZOMG!!!). And I'm eating a whole lot more. Go figure. I'm sure everyone is sick of hearing about it, but if I have to choose between a 3-4 PointsPlus 100 Calorie Pack or a 0 PointsPlus apple, guess what I'm gonna choose? If you said 100 Calorie Pack, you're WRONG!

With the completion of Week One, 1.2 lbs are gone (for a total of 65.8 lbs). Sweet. I'm quickly approaching that happy 70 lbs gone forever mark. Yeah, I'll do my happy dance alright.

I have no plans of promising another blog post in the near future, although I have another one or ten percolating in my head. So maybe, just maybe, you'll start seeing more (or less as it were) of me soon.

Ooo, Lordy, I've been neglecting this blog. And how.

In surprising news, I jumped off the wagon. HA HA! Not so surprising actually. It's been a good couple of months without tracking food or paying attention to what I eat. The first month: not so bad, managed to keep making good choices. The second month: a little bit worse. The third month: ooo, boy, not something I want to think about.

More unsurprising news: I haven't read anyone's blog. Giving myself a pass, and starting fresh from here. Chances are I'll go back at some point and catch up, but I'm not going to beat myself up over it. That little badge on my blog reader? Pretending it doesn't exist and marking everything read. YAY! Clean Slate!

Haven't hopped on the scale in a month or so, but based on the way my clothes are fitting, I'm still in good shape.

Made a decision: No more going off on my personal revelations (at least not the way I was before). It just sounded so. freaking. pretentious. And you know what I hate? Pretentiousness. A lot. Here it is in a nutshell: I'm working out shit in my life, making what changes are necessary, and figuring out what the hell I need to do to make myself happy. A little simplistic, but simplifying makes me happy - so there.

It's hard to believe it's already October. Where the heck did the year go? Seriously? Last time I looked, it was July. Or was it August? Whatever. Anyhow, it was a year ago in October I finally decided to do something about my weight. Yay, it's my weight loss anniversary! I'm a pretty different person than the woman who tentatively stepped into that Weight Watchers meeting last year. I've made some substantial changes in my life, not the least of which is taking off at least 50 lbs for good. Also, I have more confidence, and am ready to continue making whatever changes I have to in order to keep on going.

My goals for the next year:

1) Keep on keeping on.
2) Lose some more weight. Not setting any specific pound goals, but continue down the same path I've been following.
3) Go back to WW. Meetings were a big part of my success so I need to find a leader with whom I can connect. Then just keep on going.
4) Get into the gym once a week. The gym near my house offers Zumba classes, and - dammit - I want to go to a zumba class.

Well, folks, that's it for now. Will be back again real soon.

Yes, it's been another couple of weeks since I got my sh*t together and blogged. Problem: I stopped reading your blogs (yes, the little badge on my blog reader reads nearly 300 again! UGH! I kinda FAIL). Funny that, I stop reading blogs, I stop wanting to blog. Connection? I wonder.

Confession Time: I still haven't made it to a Weight Watchers meeting since I last posted. Nor have I made it to the gym. HELP!!!! Mind you, it's not that my motivation has gone away - I still log my food and stay within my weekly POINTS - but I didn't realize how attached I'd grown to that particular meeting time/day and the leader leading it.

I've picked up some new habits - good and bad - over the past couple of months. The good habits I'm trying to reinforce. The bad habits I'm trying to drop. Fast. Problem: bad habits much more difficult to rid ones self of than good habits to create.

Been trying to do more things for myself to maintain sanity. It probably includes more beer drinking than I *ought* to be doing, going to the beach, going to shows (live music, not theatre), and trying to keep myself out of the "emo" Zan place. Have made some interesting new friends, celebrated a friend's wedding, and hosted a party or two myself. Actually, I've been really social and met a ton of new people. Sleep needs to figure in there at some point too.

I'll be back soon, I promise. Probably with more random thoughts from random land.

Life is . . . complicated right now. One of the things I didn't take into account as I started down the path towards permanent change was my constantly changing perspective. About everything. Things that were once dead set "nevers" have become distinct possibilities, and vice versa.

I've always been a contemplative person by nature. Normally, I take an idea, internalize it, analyze, and poke and prod until I begin to understand it. However, when it comes to personal consideration, it takes a significantly longer period for me to accept that new idea, let alone understand it.

When I get stuck in one of these contemplative loops, I've a bad habit of blocking myself off from the people who care about me. I don't disappear or stop hanging out. It's more like I'm there, but not really there.

Most of my friends have watched me drop into isolation mood time and again (which isn't something I do often - I'm too social of a person for that), and it hurts to see them trying to reach out and understand. But despite my best attempts to be completely open and honest with my friends and loved ones, there's always a part of myself I hold back. Maybe it's a once bitten, twice shy mentality, or it could simply be a subconscious desire to seem mysterious - I don't really know.

The tough part is I wind up feeling isolated from the world, and it's entirely of my own making. Sometimes I fear I'm trying to push people away. Probably because I know I have a hard time controlling myself when it comes to having strong feelings about anything.

And I continue with my roundabout logic because it's just feels good to get the words out where someone will see them. Anyway, moving on.

I'm going back to Weight Watchers this weekend, and will post some official stats. Actually, I'm sure I'll be pretty pleased since I'm probably moving on to losing my fourth set of twenty pounds (Go me!).

And on that note, have a good one folks.

There are some people in our lives that build us up and others that tear us down. I don't know about you, but I prefer the former over the latter, and try to keep the latter out of my life at all possible costs.

Over the weekend, someone told me they were proud of me. That's it. Proud of me because I've done so well, and would accept none of my "glass half empty" blah blah blahs about how much further I had to go. I was speechless (which says a lot for me cause I rarely ever stop talking), and it dawned on me that's exactly the sort of person I like to be around.

On the other hand, I met someone recently who - while complimenting me - managed to tear me down every time we talked. I'm sure they felt they were being supportive, but actions speak louder than words. I was able to cut it off at the pass and remove the person from my circle of friends, but their influence was insidious. (Incidentally, this person's time in my life corresponds with my blogging hiatus. Coincidence? I think not.)

It's pretty simple: friends are people you love and trust to support you, not erode your self confidence. I've spent far too much time in the past thinking negatively about myself to keep that kind of cr*p around.

Looking at it now, the contrast between the two is crystal clear: one focused on the accomplishment and strides I've taken, but the other focused on how far I have left to go and what a difficult journey it will be. Truth be told, I vascillate between those two trains of thought more often than I should, but - in the end - I'd rather celebrate myself today than mourn the days to come.

Now, onto that other stuff:

During my blogging hiatus, I finally hit the 50lbs gone mark. Yay!

Then 55lbs. Yay!!

I joined a gym. Yay!!!!

Then I stopped going to Weight Watchers for a month. Boo. It started because Luann, my Wednesday night leader, is no longer at that location, but I do know where she is on Saturdays. Now it's a question of do I go to the Saturday morning meeting or try to find another leader that doesn't bore me to tears.

The past couple of months have brought about a fair bit of revelation about life, what I'm doing with it, what I need in it, and about the people I choose to keep in my life. There's a lot I don't say because I'm frightened people will judge me, which is pretty funny because I've always had a "f*ck 'em if they don't like me" personality.

Opera has, for some time, been a bone of contention. I spent the better part of the past fifteen years pursuing a dream that I didn't really want. It was never really my life or something I loved, but I did a damn good job pretending it was. And I did so because I gave up on the dream that actually made me happy.

Growing up, the thing that made me happiest was musical theatre. My dad grew up in New York going to Broadway plays and, as a piano player, introduced me to the musical theatre classics at a very young age. When my friends were watching MTV, I was humming along to Rodgers & Hammerstein and Lerner & Loewe. My Fair Lady. The King and I. The Sound of Music. I knew those a lot better than I knew any rock band. Some of my fondest memories are standing at the piano with my dad singing "If I Loved You" and "Mister Snow" and a whole slew of others my friends knew nothing of.

The first musical theatre piece I ever auditioned for was Peter Pan, and - if you could believe it - I was cast as Wendy. For a 12 year old kid that was pretty spectacular. The whole process enchanted me: I loved rehearsing, memorizing lines, and staging blocking. Being under the stagelights was intoxicating. It only whetted my appetite for more.

Sadly, that first experience was not typical of the rest of my pre-teen and early teen auditions and theatrical experience. At that age, I hadn't grown into my adult cynicism nor did I know enough to realize that Children's Theatre is extremely political and based an awful lot on how much who's parent is contributing to the company. Entering high school, I had no doubt of the fact that I was talented; I skipped into the Intermediate Acting class in my freshman year, but the theatre director never gave me a solo in the musical theatre variety show, nor did he ever cast me in a "leading" part.

It was brought to my attention at that young age (by another student - surprise!) that yes, I was talented, but I wasn't "thin". It was a pretty crushing blow to my ego. (It's funny - I was at my adult height, and weighed maybe 150 - I'd kill to weigh 150 again.) It felt like no matter what I did, I'd never be enough of the right thing.

My youthful enthusiasm was quickly replaced by bitter apathy, and by fifteen years old, I pretended musical theatre was passe and below me. Truth be told, I gave up on musical theatre because I gave up on myself and believing I could ever find it in myself to be a "normal" size.

How I long to have those fifteen years back! I'd love to smack my fifteen year old self upside the head, tell her to keep on going, that high school was not the end all, be all of musical theatre. And I mourn the past fifteen years because I missed so much happiness by trying to force myself into a mold I didn't fit.

We never mean to give up on hopes or aspirations, but it's a sad reality that our self perception can negatively effect what choices we make in life. There have been several major upheavals in my life recently which forced me to sit down and ask myself what do I really want. Being happy is obviously near the top of that list, and if that means never singing a stitch of opera again, so be it. I'm okay with that.

My body and I are currently at odds with one another. I would like to go out and enjoy the weather that finally seems to be getting better. My body, on the other hand, wants me to laying in the fetal position suffering from cramps. Joy.

Oh, Aunt Flo, I love you but wish you had better timing. Ugh.

Yesterday, I wrote a post about reality tv shows and my shame at getting caught up in the Biggest Loser phenomenon. Of course, I never posted it because I was too busy cooking, finding the perfect "shame" lolcat, and watching the Biggest Loser Finale to post. Ha!

So here it is, a day late, for your viewing pleasure:

• I'm a little frustrated that although TBL is filmed in California, the live Finale episode is broadcast on a tape delay. Not okay with this. Totally not okay.


• Wow, Daris really seems to have figured sh*t out in his head. And his girlfriend is super cute. And he's so nice. Wait, seriously, is Allison crushing on Daris? Cause he kind of looks like a soap star now. A big hunk of farmboy soap star, but still.


• Um, wow, Koli, the pink pants have got to go. And please remember to pull your shoulders back. Okay, not surprised America voted you out of the Top Three.


• Shay looks beautiful. Is it just me or does her make-up seem a little on orange-y side?


• Yay! Eric lost a lot of the weight again. Sweet. Wait, how long has it been since the episode where he was on advising the contestants on the pitfalls of leaving the ranch?!?!


• Cherita and Victoria - you have got to give Cherita some serious credit here, she looks fab and she never spent a day on the Ranch. Just goes to show you what you can do at home.


• Sherry and Maria - holy cow, look at how tiny Sherry is. My god! And Maria - she looks fifteen years younger. Seriously. She looks younger than Rebecca did at the Finale last season.


• Patti and Stephanie - I love Stephanie. She's super cute and I totally identify with her.


• John and James - Good to go, boys.


• Melissa and Lance - Wow, Melissa looks hot. Amazingly hot, and she's really pretty. Still a b*tch apparently. And Lance, wow, guess he can start trying to get that job back now.


• Migdalia and Miggy - Wow, Miggy. Wow. That's all I have to say. Holy Cow! Why am I not surprised that they had these guys come out at the same time as Melissa and Lance? Guess the producers wanted to see if they could start a fight and really raise the ratings. Since hockey season is basically over and all.


• O'Neal and Sunshine. Love O'Neal. Love. Love. Love. And the suit: wow. Sunshine - I would have loved to see her in her makeover episode dress, but still pretty freaking amazing.


• Darrell and Andrea. I don't know what to say because Darrell looks so totally different. I'm in shock. But not. Because I knew he could do it. See, I said Darrell or O'Neal.


• Cheryl - O.M.G. She looks so super cute and dainty. And then they're showing that screaming footage. And then cute and dainty. Rawr.


• Sam and Koli. Surprise, Sam is cute, Koli isn't standing up straight. Hatecakes on the pink pants. Woops, looks like it's gonna be Koli. Huh.


• Love, love, love the whole Marilyn Monroe-esque look Ashley has going on. Super hot!


• Wow, Michael looks great. But he needs to lose the jeans and the belt buckle. Not okay. Really not okay. And wait, is there something going on between Michael and Ashley cause it looked like he was about to kiss her.


• Did the make-up artists go a little heavy on the bronzer and self tanners? because, yeah, it was not okay.


• Oops, surprise, Michael won. I knew if Koli wasn't in the Top Three Michael was gonna win.

I finally got rid of some dead weight this weekend. And by dead weight, I mean most of those freaking clothes piling up in my guest room waiting to be donated or gifted to friends. After the Great Clothing Purge of March 2010, it just started piling up in there with promises from friends to come by and figure out what they wanted. It took a while to happen.

That great event finally occurred this weekend when I hosted a "Girly Day" at my house Sunday. This is the second one we've (me and my friends) held, but it's starting to become something of a tradition. So, every couple of months one of us hosts said day at their home and with liberal application of your chosen drink, there is much nail polishing, hair styling, gossiping (lots and lots of gossiping), and - as in the case of this weekend - swapping of clothing.

Back in March, after the First Great Clothing Purge, the guest room looked something like this:




Bear in mind this doesn't include the additional pieces that made it into our guest room over the next two months. Part of me wishes I'd taken a picture before yesterdays ransacking, but - at the same time - it's better to just move on. (I'll take a picture of the remnants, but I'd say of the original pile maybe a quarter remains).

To give you an idea of just how much clothing I gave away and just how much clothing I *had*: one friend took four large shopping bags full of clothes, there was enough for people to take away an additional five or six large shopping bags, and I *still* have 20% of it left (and a pile of 10 - 15 shirts to send to my mom cause she's losing weight too).

Can we say clothes horse? Yep. That would be me. I think I might have a bit of a problem. Fortunately, I'm determined to never become a hoarder of any type, so with my closet significantly reduced in content, I'm heading in the right direction, and have no intention of letting it get that bad again. Ever.

I had all kinds of grand intentions, too, of making healthy snacks from the two Hungry Girl Cookbooks I picked up a few weeks back, but that never materialized. No, instead, I've added another food to the list of "I just can't have it around the house or I'm gonna gorge myself sick on it": Tortilla chips. Oh. My. God. I put out celery sticks with homemade low-fat ranch dressing however, but the tortilla chips (and egg rolls) called my name. And just so you know, the only thing I provided was the celery and ranch, the rest was brought in.

Actually, looking at my weekend food consumption, it could have been a lot worse. Still, there are a few things I need to work on in the weekends to come:

• Less salt. Holy cow, I'm retaining so much water from this weekend it's nuts.


• More fruits and vegetables. Yeah, I might have had five total servings of fruits and vegetables over the entire weekend. Might have. Gotta work on that.


• Less coffee, more water. I've got the water drinking thing down pat Monday thru Friday, but give me a weekend and several pounds of coffee on hand and it's caffeine city for me, baby.


• And, although it's not food related, I need to get more exercise. We went to Maker Faire on Saturday and walked a couple miles worth around the San Mateo Event Center, yes, but I prefer something a little more strenuous in terms of intenstiy.

Last night, the hubby and I along with our best friend, Cassie, went over to T.G.I. Friday's for dinner. In my usual fashion, I hopped onto their website beforehand to see what I wanted to order. Game off! Although Friday's claims that their nutritional information is readily available, what I found was a link directing me back to their menu where I found nothing!!

Before heading out to dinner, I took the opportunity to complete the conveniently available complaint form from their website. I wish I'd saved a copy, but basically said: Dear Friday's, you'd think as the times are changing and people are becoming more aware of what they eat, you would take responsibility and make something as simple as basic nutritional information readily available on your website. No love, me. Okay, it was longer than that, but that's the gist.

Frustrated, but still wanting to enjoy an evening out, we headed on out.

Knowing as I do that they wouldn't just hand it to me, I asked for a copy of the nutritional menu in addition to their normal menu. Guess what? I discovered why Friday's makes it so impossible to find. Did you know that around 80% of T.G.I.Friday's menu is over 1000 calories? Oh, yeah, you read that right. Around 80% of their menu is over 1000 calories. Holy carp!

I was in total disbelief and continued to stare at that menu, willing it to have more healthy selections. It just got worse and worse as I continued to stare and stare. Dear lord in heaven, is it any wonder that people are getting heavier and heavier?

Let's take a guess as to what an average group of four people orders at Friday's:

1. Appetizer: Between 1400 and 2500 calories. Divide by four, so 350 - 625 calories per person just for the appetizer.


2. Entree: From 350 (for their lowest cal entree) to 2000 calories per person.


3. Drinks: Assume the average person consumes one alcholic beverage over the course of a meal, so 100 - 300 calories (figuring on the low side here).


4. Dessert: Anywhere from 400 - 1000 calories.