Singing for a smaller me

It took me a long time to realize that going to the gym wasn't really my forte (at least, not yet). If I could get back all the cash I wasted on gym memberships I didn't/wouldn't use, I'd have a considerable wad of cash in my pocket. And I'm not much of a "let's get outside and go for walks" kind of girl (especially with the biting wind outside). That leaves me with essentially one option: working out at home. Until we get rid of a whole lot of stuff, I will not be acquiring either (a) an elliptical machine or (b) a treadmill. Okay, that leaves one "at-home" option: workout DVDs.

This is my current workout DVD collection (sans the two I picked up a couple of nights back and one or two that are elsewhere):



At this moment, I own approximately 20 workout DVDs, and can't keep myself from wanting more as I mentioned in my last post (and yes, you will notice I alphabetized them. Ah, the wonders of OCD).

My collection started off innocently enough - one DVD from Weight Watchers that had three workouts, "Weight Watchers: Get in Shape". For a long time, that's all there was, just one sad, lonely disc among the many DVDs we own.

Over the past two or so years, I added a couple more videos to mix it up (under the delusion that I would just start working out, but that's another story) - two hula based videos and one Bollywood dance style video; still, it stayed fairly even around five discs. I'll admit I had one thing correct: variety is key to keeping at it, but I never let myself get into the routine.

Since beginning down this weight loss path again, however, that has changed. I don't find it unusual now to wake up at 5:30 in the morning, toss on my workout clothes, grab water, coffee, and head out to the family room to pop on a DVD. It didn't take me long to realize, though, I would quickly get bored with that first DVD, and upon reviewing the others knew I needed some more cardio based workouts (and, call me crazy, but I love interval training), so I picked up another one at the next Weight Watchers meeting. From there, I picked up a couple online, bought a few at the store, received a couple as gifts, and before you know it I'm working on a shelf full of videos.

Side note: Collage Video hasn't helped much either. Check them out, they have the most comprehensive collection of workout DVDs I've seen for sale, and great reviews! I don't think about buying a new DVD without first consulting their site.

It's been a while since I popped on that first DVD (the WW one) at 5:30 in the morning, and many sweat-dripping workout sessions. This morning I figured I'd go back to it. A few minutes into the warm-up on the moderate intensity workout and I realized that it wasn't as difficult as I remembered. If memory serves me the last time I did that particular workout I sweated like a pig, but as the workout progressed I felt pretty comfortable. Go figure. For giggles, I switched over to the last two circuits of the high intensity workout (which I tried once before and it kicked my butt) before I cooled down. Yeah, it was more difficult, but I was keeping up, and finally sweating! Guess the next time I use this one, I'll do both the moderate intensity and the high intensity workout.

Believe it or not, but I'm actually getting more fit! I was incredulous when I read that workouts that seemed hard at first would get easier, but there's my proof. If I can't see it, I can feel it, and that is what really matters.

In case you haven't tried them, these are an absolute must have for chocolate lovers out there:

They're called Fling, and I found them at Target based on the recommendation from a lady at my Weight Watchers meeting. These particular ones are Fling Dark Chocolate.

Now, the nitty gritty:

One bar is 80 calories, 5 grams of fat and 1 gram of fiber, or 2 Points (ans two bars are 3.5 Points!!)

There's ten bars (or fingers as they call 'em), and as a former Twix lover, these are like Twix all grown up.

On another note, I started my holiday baking last night. Made three batches of chocolate chip cookies, and as a thank you to my food pushing coworkers brought one batch to work. Tonight is ginger snap cookies.

And as a note to myself and the world, I'm developing a slight addiction for workout DVDs. I already own twenty or so, yet every time I'm at Target I can't help but look at new ones.

Would it surprise you if I said we had a holiday party at work? What's that you say? No? No, it wouldn't? Well, in that case, without further adieu, and in the grand tradition of "my coworkers are evil food pushers", I give you the following:

Apple Crisps:

Oh, yes, I said crisps. As in more than one apple crisp.

The cupcake platter:
Pumpkin cupcakes with cream cheese frosting. Yeah, the cookie pusher made these. She took a cake decorating class, hence the pretty frosting (yeah, and she brings in cakes and cupcakes *all* the time). Oooo, look: little mini cupcakes. Well, I guess I can have just one.

The Cookie Platters:
Joy. Chocolate covered macaroons. Evil cookie pusher lady again. Okay, I can pass on this one.
Oh, wait: peanut butter cookies with eeee-vil peanut butter cups in them.
Great. Just what I need. A peanut butter cookie with chocolate in it. Those other ones are pecan sandies and something called "chocolate indulgence". Joy. Whatev. Peeeanut Butterrrrrrr!!!

Okay, I didn't do too bad actually. One eeeee-vil peanut butter and peanut butter cup cookie and one mini pumpkin muffin. Total point value: approx. 6 or 7.

When I began this journey I was insistent I could go it alone. Great. So I lost ten pounds, then I put five pounds on, and lost them again, and put them on again, and . . . you get the picture. I was online all the time, but couldn't find that place in myself which would let me stick to it if someone else wasn't weighing me in. Nine weeks ago, I gave up the ghost and went back to Weight Watchers. I've likely mentioned it in passing, but have never really talked much about it.

Weight Watchers. I've followed the Weight Watchers programs multiple times with varying degrees of success. When I had successes I loved it, and when I had failures I hated it. For a long time I blamed Weight Watchers - after all I was following their program, wasn't I? Right? Um, no, actually, I wasn't.

The main guideline of almost every weight loss program is food tracking. If you don't do it, you don't know how much you eat, and if you don't know how much you're eating, you won't lose the weight. I've never been the type of person that can just monitor how much I'm eating by how I feel. Nope. No Way.

Back to Weight Watchers. I love the Points system, and I love that they combined it with the Core program to come up with their Turnaround/Momentum programs. My biggest weight loss successes were with WW Points. My main issue has always been food tracking. Keeping paper logs never worked for me and you need to carry your food tracker with you all the time.

So what's the big difference this time you might ask? This time, the one thing that has made a world of difference is the Weight Watchers iPhone app. I mean, come on, I carry my phone with me all the time. Now I can open an application, search for food via their online database, and log it all in one place. No books? No paper tracker? Obviously, I'm a fan, and tracking has never been easier. Yay!

But, finally, to the main point of this entry - my good news!!!!

I reached my 5% goal at last night's meeting which means going over 14.5 lbs lost. To be exact: it was a total of 16.8 lbs lost. Woot! (If you add in the five pounds I lost before starting WW, I'm actually over 20 lbs down, but I'm sticking with my WW Weight Tracker). So where does this put me? Comfortably back into the 270s and heading for the 260s.

Feeling pretty good about myself this morning, I decided I should try on the last pair of jeans I bought before having to buy the next size up. Surprise! They fit. Not too tight, not too short, and comfortable. It's been nearly eight months since I last fit into them without looking like a sausage, and they're relatively new (I maybe wore them six times).

Okay, I'm excited, really, really, really, really excited. What is it they say about success? That it breeds more success? And I'm off to a running start for the new week.

Looking back at the entries I've written in the past I realized something was missing. Obviously, the title of my blog is "Singing for a Smaller Me", but I've never really addressed my passion for music.

I haven't talked much about singing here because I made a conscious decision to focus my attention on these weight loss efforts. Setting up good habits now will help me more with my singing/acting career in the long run than allowing bad habits to creep in by spreading my focus too thin.

I come from a reasonably musical background: my dad plays and teachs piano, my great grandfather was in the New York Metropolitan Opera Chorus, and my great grandmother - so I've been told - had an amazing coloratura soprano voice.

Since I can remember my dad was at the piano playing classical music, improvising jazz solos, and regularly teaching piano lessons. I don't remember a time in my life when there wasn't music.

At eight years old I expressed an interest in playing the piano and it was my good fortune we had a built in teacher. On and off I played for a few years, learning the basics, but never really applying myself - piano practice was not my forte. By the time I was twelve the piano lessons had stopped, but I developed a deep and abiding love of music, and regularly twiddled around a bit on the piano.

Over the years, performing in one way or another was a constant. For a long time it was dance lessons, then it was piano, however, around twelve or thirteen years old I found my real passion: singing. Musical theatre, classical, jazz, you name it. Oh, and acting too.

It all fit together pretty well: My dad and I would sit at the piano for hours as I sang and played. And as it turns out I had a pretty natural talent for it, and a naturally pleasant sounding singing voice.

My vocal epiphany also came at the same time I slowly began putting on weight. It wasn't much of an issue in middle school or high school - they still cast me in just about every part for which I auditioned. But as I got older and continued to put on weight, I was regularly getting passed up by less talented but better looking girls. Still, I continued to perform and went to college to study opera.

My response to those who told me to lose weight was that it didn't matter in opera. Yeah, right. In this day and age, unless you have a phenomenal talent or are one of the lucky ones that has a very rare vocal type, it matters. Modern audiences don't want to see a 250 lb woman playing the soprano who's dying of consumption. They want a Salome that can do the Dance of the Seven Veils, and petite geisha girls as Madame Butterfly.

But I digress . . .

It wasn't until after college when I was auditioning for professional companies that it finally hit me. I wasn't being passed up for parts because I wasn't good enough (although there are plenty out there just as good or better than me), my weight was working against me. Talent only takes you so far, and as a soprano struggling to make a name for herself, I need to stand out in every possible way.

Now, I know that losing weight won't magically make directors cast me in every show. Still, it is one reason out of many that I keep chugging along.

Normally, I avoid writing about holidays/birthdays/functions, etc. It usually comes out a boring step by step breakdown of each day, and no one wants to read that. And then within several weeks, I've forgotten all about it, and any planned blog post is never forthcoming. This year, I let it sit for a couple of weeks so I could move past the boring details and only hit the highlights.

First, however, ponder this: Thanksgiving and my birthday almost always fall within a week of each other. I can't tell you how many Thanksgiving birthday parties I've celebrated. Let's say that it got to the point where I decided I didn't like turkey just for the principle of the matter. Yep, you heard me right - I don't like turkey.

Anyhow . . .

1. My parents came into town for Thanksgiving at my in-laws and stayed with us from Wednesday evening to Sunday morning. This is a tiny victory. I proved to myself I could do it, even if my mom and I sniped at each other a bit and got into a fight Saturday morning (don't get me wrong, I love my mom dearly, her and I just know how to push each other's buttons). We managed to move on and still have a good time the rest of the day. We also celebrated my birthday on Thanksgiving (couldn't be helped) and she gave me some great workout DVDs: The Firm Cardio Overdrive, The Firm Hi-Def Sculpt, Jillian Michaels' Banish Fat, Boost Metabolism, and the Biggest Loser Workout. Go Mom!



2. The Monday after Thanksgiving was my thirtieth birthday. The world didn't come to an end! Yay! My body didn't fall apart! Yay! On the other hand, I had to go to work. Boo! But they threw me a great birthday potluck (soup and salad bar!), sang happy birthday, and had cake. I had a very small slice of plain cheesecake and enjoyed myself thoroughly.



3. Wednesday night, after the Thanksgiving and Birthday celebrations, was my Weight Watchers meeting. Imagine my surprise when the scale showed a loss of 2.4 lbs! Woot! What a great birthday surprise.



4. For my big birthday present, I took Friday off work and the hubby, our friend Cassie, and I flew down to Southern California Thursday night for a trip to Disneyland. Disneyland, if I haven't mentioned it, is one of my favorite places in the world. If you haven't seen Disneyland and/or Disney World during the holidays, make a point of getting there. It's just too magical. Wasn't too thrilled with the whole flying part (we usually drive and I really dislike flying), but what a fab time we had! Foodwise, I couldn't keep track, but I tried to make better choices and stayed away from the Monte Cristo sandwiches (Dave's favorite - a little too fried for me), the ice cream (god, I miss those gigantic, chocolate covered ice cream cones), and the popcorn (which calls my name every time I pass the stand). I, however, could *not* pass up the chimichangas or the holiday mocha. The end of the weekend came much too fast for me.

It was back to work Monday, but not back to my regular eating habits. Neither one of us were ready to be off of vacation, so cooking was off the menu. Cue up the pizza delivery! Tuesday, though, it was back to tracking and staying on plan.

I wasn't too surprised on Wednesday when I showed a gain of a pound. Such is life.

Still, I'm proud of myself. I had a great time, indulged a little, not a lot, and made my way back on plan. I really feel like this lifestyle change is starting to sink in.

I am flawed. This is something I have grown to accept. I will never be perfect no matter how hard I try. There will be days I fall off the wagon, days I don't want to exercise, and days that I don't want to and won't log every bite of food I eat.

I get depressed. There are times when I get depressed and can't see my way clear to eat anything, and times when I get depressed and want to eat everything in sight.

I get angry. Angry at myself, angry at the world, angry at people who know how to eat. I get angry that I can't always eat what I want to eat when I want go eat it, and angry that I have to wake up at the buttcrack of dawn to sweat my ass off. But mostly, I'm angry at myself for letting my weight get this bad.

I am jealous. Jealous of people who know how to eat, and people who have taken the weight off and kept it off.

I am afraid. Afraid that when I lose the weight I'll somehow screw it up, and will wind up even worse than I am now.

I'm tired. Tired of people telling me how I should lose my weight, and giving me their "good" advice.

I'm introspective. When all else fails, I disappear into myself to figure out what's wrong. Today is an introspective day. I'm moody and have already cried once today for no good reason. Guess it's time to tune out for a couple of hours and figure out what's wrong.

It was one of those ridiculously busy weeks. Work's crazy, life's hectic, and the chances of stopping to cook food are next to none. Add to that a singing gig, a Friday night party, and a party at our place Saturday night. Oh look, it's the recipe for going off plan!

It started out innocently enough. Not enough to eat on Saturday as we're cleaning house for the party (and for my folks coming into town this week), desperately begging a friend who arrived early to pick us up food, spicy hummus with pita and cucumber, tortilla chips, beers, some oh-too-tasty drink called "x-rated", then Bailey's and Irish Cream.

Yep, it's the siren song of drinking: "Oh, I'll just have a little hummus on some cucumber. But wait, the hummus is *reallllyyyy* good on pita bread. Ooo, there's tortilla chips and salsa. And what do you mean, I put Harry and David Milk Chocolate Moose Munch out before I started drinking? PARTY!!!!"

And that doesn't even account for the food that was left over!

Granted, I didn't indulge like the past, but I also didn't hop right back on the wagon Sunday morning. Oh, who am I kidding? It was Sunday afternoon when I crawled out of bed. And I was feeling particularly lazy. With very little coaxing, the hubby ordered pizza, and I remembered the salami and cheese in the fridge that never made it out to the table. Self control won out, but just barely - I only had four slices of salami and two pieces of cheese. (Need to remember to bring them into work and out of harm's way) Also, attacked the salsa and tortilla chips with some gusto, but managed to not eat half the bag. Go me!

This morning? I'm retaining water like mad crazy, not helped by Aunt Flo's visit to town. Feeling pretty vile from all the junk I ate and drank, but ready to get back to eating like a normal person and not a "wild, crazy" party-goer. Had to press the snooze button twety times this morning, but will exercise tonight and tomorrow morning it's back to waking up at 5:30.

Positives: didn't stuff myself to bursting, ate before the party, slept enough.

Things I need to work on: healthy party snacks, going back on plan the day following a party, must track even when I don't want to admit what I'm eating.

Hopefully this water weight will be gone in a day or two. Grr.

Last night, the hubby and I watched the Travel Channel. It seemed like the theme of the day was "Extreme . . .", extreme terror rides, extreme waterparks, extreme resorts, etc. As we were getting ready to head off to bed, another Extreme show came on: Extreme Pig-outs. Amused, we decided to settle down and watch for a little while.

It was digusting, yet strangely fascinating. Starting the tour was a restaurant that's main attraction is 6-lb burger, but goes all the way up to a 62-lb burger. Umm, gross! The gastronomic delights/horrors continued from there featuring Ben and Jerry's Vermonster, super-sized pancakes, deep fried twinkies, a 54-inch square pizza, burritos the size of a newborn, and an eatery called the "Heart Attack Grill" (and several others). Frankly, by the time they reached the 54-inch square pizza, my stomach was turning and I headed off to bed. Looking back on it today, I'm still seriously grossed out.

Please tell me what this sick fascination is with artery-clogging and teeth-rotting foods! Yes, a number of these places intend these menu items to be eaten by more than one person, but there are still other people that look at these foods as a challenge: Can I eat 62 lbs of beef? Can I scarf down a 54-inch square pizza? Even deep in the worst of my food obsession I knew that that was ridiculous!!! But these restaurants thrive on our unhealthy fixation with foods we shouldn't even contemplate eating.

It makes me so angry.

Moving on.

Some time ago, I read about the Green Monster Movement, and promptly forgot about it until it was brought up last week in one of the blogs I follow. At its simplest, a Green Monster is a blended smoothie of spinach or kale, some type of milk, fruits, and so on. I was intrigued by the idea of getting so many fruits and vegetables in one tasty smoothie, but the skeptic in me said, "yeah, sure, you can't taste the spinach in those smoothies. . . and I'm the freaking Queen of England".

This weekend, I bit the bullet and made my first Green Monster. What a pleasant surprise! Two big handfuls of spinach, a cup of milk, a cup of frozen strawberries, and half a cup of frozen blueberries later, I had a delicious, filling and healthy smoothie with three and a half servings of fruits and vegetables in one fell swoop. Needless to say, I'm a convert. Now I just have to clear a space on the kitchen counter to keep my blender.

What a gulf exists between these two: Extreme pig-outs to Green Monsters. I'm proud to say the Green Monster appeals to me way more than a 6-lb burger. It means I'm going in the right direction and will keep on heading in that direction.

If you've failed to notice, I work in an office of food pushers, specifically of the treats and sweets variety. Now, I love to eat. If that wasn't the case, I wouldn't be here. Cakes, cookies, sweets, treats, fried food, baked food, and most other foods with a few exceptions.

Outside my boss' office she keeps a big ol' jar of candy which I have fondly dubbed the "Giant Jar of Candy Sabotage". I hear its siren song calling to me every day: "just take a piece of chocolate, it won't really matter. After all, it's just one tiny piece". Yeah, sure. I can take just one piece. Then, the next morning when I get into work, I'll wonder why there's ten candy bar wrappers in the garbage can at my cube.

No, thank you; even though part of me wants nothing more than to concede defeat and start chowing down. I can be strong, and I will be strong, and every day I will congratulate myself for not giving in.

The co-worker who brought the cookies of doom a week or two ago brought cupcakes in today. I didn't take a picture, nor did I bother to ask her what type of cupcakes they were. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. It's like banging my head into a freaking wall every time I walk into the break room and see some other glorious sugary treat. And you know that cookie I wanted so badly? Yeah, it wasn't as good as I played it up to be in my mind. I mean, in term of cookies, it was good, but it really wasn't worth the 150 calories out of my day.

Moving on to an only slightly related note: this whole knee injury thing is really getting to me. I've allowed myself to use it as an excuse to avoid working out. After all, the doctor didn't tell me to stop working out, just to scale back the intensity and impact. After skipping nearly five days of exercise, I finally had enough with the part of me that was making excuses, put together a walking mix on my iPhone and headed out for a half an hour walk. And I feel great!

Note to self: the part of me that makes excuses has lost its marbles! Ignore, ignore, ignore!!!!

I shouldn't be surprised. I know how great I feel after a good workout, and yet it still hasn't fully sunk in.

Obviously, I haven't finished learning my lessons, nor do I doubt I will ever fully learn them. But each new thing is really a revelation, even if it's something I should logically know by now.

My workouts over the past five days have come to a grand total of one. Yes, just one. Ugh. I'm wincing just looking at that number.

Now, it isn't because I haven't wanted to workout. Quite the contrary, actually. Each day that's gone by without a workout has been cringe-worthy. No, I managed to do something to my knee (or right below it) last Friday.

Joy.

And before you ask, I didn't do it working out.

I keep forgetting that my body doesn't yet want to function the way I want it to. Kneeling and sliding across the hard concrete surface at work *will* most likely result in my body getting hurt, or me banging my knee into aforementioned hard surface.

Spent the weekend freaking out about my knee, and assuming the worst: a blood clot in my leg. At my last job, a coworker was diagnosed with Deep Vein Thrombosis (DVT). Suddenly, she has to take a shot every day, go to the doctor once a week, can't drink alcoholic beverages, and can't eat dark green vegetables. Worst fear ever.

My doctor visit yesterday, fortunately, alleviated my fears. A $10 co-pay and an ultrasound of my leg later, the doc isn't sure what it is, but he knows what it isn't. YAY!! He thinks it's just inflammation from the kneelingandsliding at work and overdoing it on the exercise. (sadface) I'm on orders to drop down to low-intensity/low-impact workouts, ice my knee, and take an anti-inflammatory that's leaving me exhausted. Oh yeah, and lay off the workouts for a couple of days. Walking fine, the aerobic DVDs - nope.

Chalk this up to another reason I want to lose weight.

Dammit, I want to do these things. I want to do these things and not hurt myself. I want to be able to do a fifty-minute workout DVD and feel the sweat pouring off of me. I hate the fact that my body keeps getting in the way. Just when I think I'm participating in enough activity to feel like a normal person, my body goes and betrays me and says, "Ha, ha, you're going to be fat forever!!!"

My office is full of food pushers.

They're so very well meaning, and any number of them are on diets of one sort or another - yet I don't think they understand the battle I face with sugar-y baked goods. When the two chocolate cakes appeared on the breakroom table I didn't bat an eye:

Then there were the brownies (which fortunately didn't tempt me since they were covered in caramel. Yuck, yuck, yuck.):




And then there was the German Chocolate Cake (oh, sweet heaven, someone eat it before I drag the rest of that cake to my desk):




And, today, cookies. Yes, cookies. The bane of my freaking existence: cookies. Chocolate Chip Cookies. My co-worker who made them says "Oh, they're supposed to be healthy. I made them with whole wheat flour. *insert giggle here* and tons of butter. It's the Holidays, you're allowed to indulge. They're only about 150 calories each." Each. One hundred and fifty freaking calories EACH. Yeah, they look so innocent and sweet, but they're evil, evil I tell you, eeeee-vvvviiilll:




Here's the dialogue that goes through my head whenever I see one of these ohsotempting treats:

Bad me: Oh, look someone brought in a treat.

Good me: *groan*

Bad me: That looks tasty!

Good me: sarcasticallyYeah, it'll be even tastier on my ass.

Bad me: One tiny slice won't hurt.

Good me: Yeah, it won't just be one tiny slice.

Bad me: Cross my heart, hope to die, just one tiny slice! Pleeeeaaaasssseeee!!!

Good me: Nope.

Bad me: Pretty please!!!!!!

Good me: No.

Bad me: Pretty please with sugar on top!!!!

Good me: No. No. No.

Bad me: *gets that look on face like Bilbo Baggins had when he couldn't touch the Ring* RAWR!!!!! CAKE NOW!!!!!

Good me: Walking away now.

Today, however, I could *not* walk away from those cookies. Even as I headed back to my desk on the other side of the office I heard them calling my name. I started typing away, but still was thinking about those damn cookies. Finally, I started weighing the pros and cons. Do I eat a cookie? Do I keep on ignoring it? Do I drink something? It finally dawned on me: Compromise. I *can* have one cookie. Just one. Not five. Not ten. Just one.




There it is. Sitting on my desk. Waiting for me to eat lunch. And I plan on enjoying that cookie. That little treat that I *can* allow myself to have because if I don't . . . well, for me, if I don't eat that cookie there could be problems. Bad Me can only be pacified for so long or Bad Me might go to the store, buy a bag of Keebler Soft Baked Chocolate Chip Cookies and eat the whole thing.

Twenty-six days from now I will be thirty years old. Thirty on thirty, right? Heh. Yeah, cheesy, I know. Whatever.

For a long time that was my magical number. I'll have my weight under control by the time I'm thirty - that was my mantra. So why the heck am I here? more than a hundred pounds over weight? twenty-six freaking days from my magical number? What the heck happened?

I can't answer those questions any better today than I could yesterday, or the day before that. All I know is I'm doing my best to take that weight off and keep it off. However, there's this part of me that wants the weight gone NOW. This part of me that wants to keep on exercising all day long until the pounds disappear. Don't get me wrong, I've no expectation that the magic weight loss fairy materialize, zap me, and suddenly I'm skinny. The days of wishing my weight away are long gone.

No, I know the key to losing this weight is moderation in both my diet and exercise.

Still, I'm scared. I'm so very scard of losing my motivation. How many times have I gone down this road - lost weight only to gain it back plus more? What happens when I lose my initial momentum? What happens when the floor drops out from under me and I backslide? What happens if I gain weight? I feel more motivated to lose weight than I ever have, am I just fooling myself? There are so many unanswered questions.

Starting back down this path, I've spent so much more time preparing and analyzing my thoughts than I have before. I feel better prepared than I've ever been - that the necessary tools to keep myself on track are all there. But there's this little part of my brain always going "what if, what if, what if . . ."

Fighting back against the "what if's" and the "it's not fair's" is a daily part of this journey. I'm so used to failure that I have a hard time believing in the success.

My 30 Day Workout Challenge Buddy Katherine hasn't worked out in a couple of days. When I check in with her after my workouts she assures me she will workout, but is having a hard time getting back on the wagon after taking a number of days off. She texts me today "I am totally feeling like a big fat loser" and it hits home because I've felt that way so many times. Now, though, I think I've finally hammered it into my thick skull that I'm not a loser, I just have to start back up again. Taking a couple of days off isn't the end of the world. Here, let me repeat that again: taking a couple of days off is NOT the end of the world.

Is that the big secret? Is that what I've been missing all this time? Who knows.

All I know is I'm gonna keep on plugging along, even if most days I hate waking up at 5:30 a.m., stealthily grabbing my workout clothes and heading into the family room to choose yet another workout DVD, even if I hate stepping on the scale and still seeing my weight in the 280s. I'm feeling better than I have in a while and I don't want that feeling to go away.

Being something of a goth-y soul and someone who would call their backyard Gargoyle Chic, Halloween is one of those holidays that makes me incredibly happy. Creepy decorations and scary music warm my heart, and part of me wants to giggle every time I see a gargoyle or raven statue on sale. That being said, it's also one of those "Danger, Danger!" type of days.

In the past, when Halloween treats appeared in the store that was my trigger to pick up a couple of very large bags of sugary, sweet, food coma-inducing goodness. And I'd buy them with the best of intentions: "Oh, I'm going to give them out to trick or treaters" was the usual excuse. When the hubby and I finally decided to go to a party instead of handing out candy it then became: "I can't just let all that candy go to waste!"

This year, the Halloween candy - though loudly calling to me from the supermarket aisles - stayed away from our house. Our plans were set early on.

Unfortunately, candy wasn't my only weekend adversary: my old crummy eating habits regularly rear their ugly heads on Saturday and Sunday. The usual plan of action includes sleeping in late, drinking lots of coffee, not eating for hours on end, and then eating whatever comes to hand as the day goes by. What that typically means is lots of fast food, pizzas, and junk, junk, junk. While I managed to stay on plan all weekend long, I didn't eat a lot, nor did I eat anything of much substance.

Meanwhile, these weekend forays into crappy food consumption leave me feeling horrible come Monday, and render it that much more difficult for me to jump "back on the wagon" as it were. And, frankly, I'm regularly verging on sabotage with my weekend waffling.

I clearly need a different plan of attack so that I face the weekends more prepared. Most likely, it would be helpful if I actually went food shopping instead of pretending that I'll go tomorrow. It's funny, as I sit here typing this I have to keep myself from typing down the myriad excuses I used as to why I didn't shop for food last week. Every one of them seems pretty lame right now. Okay, so food shopping is one. Planning my meals on the weekend would help as well, so that's two. Also, keeping myself on a schedule similar to my weekday schedule wouldn't hurt.

See? I know what I need to do. Now I just have to do it, plan it, force it into a little box and make it be the way I know it needs to be.

By preparing my space and time, I am prepared to meet each challenge and triumph over sabotaging behaviors.

Yesterday afternoon, as I walked into the breakroom at work to warm up my lunch I was confronted with this ever so innocently (huh, yeah, right) sitting on the table:

*insert groan here*

Two chocolate cakes (and I luuurrrrvvvve chocolate) with an ever-so-convenient knife already in one of the containers.

Immediately, the little kid in me starting jumping, yelling, waving, doing a little dance and singing: "woohoo, it's caketime! It's really caketime! CAKETIME! And it's all for me 'cos no one else is here!" And in the past, I most likely would have allowed that part of me to take control, grabbed a slab of one cake or another (or better yet, two humongous slabs of cake -ugh!), gobbled one down while no one else was watching, gone for another, and still made my lunch. Yup, and felt like a huge, steaming pile of doggie doo twenty minutes later.

I'm proud to say I did not have a slice of either of those oh-so-tempting cakes yesterday, today, or at the potluck last Friday when they made their sneaky little way into the office. And thinking about it twenty minutes later, I really wasn't hungry for cake, I thought it would taste good, but the thought of all that sugar made my teeth hurt.

I'm proud of myself for resisting the urge to mindlessly snack on chocolate and fall back into my old habits. Still, I have to be extra vigilant at work that unseen temptation won't derail me.

The last thing anyone wants to do on a colder morning when you're cuddled up in bed is wake up early and exercise - yet that's exactly what I did this morning. Never thought I could make myself do it, but here it is nearly six hours later. I'm awake and alert and feeling pretty good about myself. Go figure.

One of my excuses for not working out was saying I could never find the time to exercise. It was complete bullsh*t. There's plenty of time during the day if I make the time - I have time to sit on my butt, watch tv, and play games on Facebook, so I have time to exercise. It wasn't the time, I just didn't *want* to exercise, and that doesn't cut it anymore. If this weight is going to come off, exercise has to become part of my daily routine. Getting here took a whole lot of work and getting back will take even more work.

Let's call today Day 4 of me and my buddy's 30 Days of Working Out Challenge. I'm at 3 of 4 days:

• Friday, Day One: I did a whole heck of a lot of walking because our office was in "OMGEmergencyMode, wedon'thaveenoughofthisorthat, gogetit!!!" So, I speed walked my way through the day and managed to pull in an half an hour there.


• Day Two, Saturday: was my Weight Watchers Get Fit DVD - the low intensity workout while the hubby gamed on the computer.


• Day Three, Sunday: I planned a work out after lunch with friends, but it didn't pan out. Lunch started late, ended late, there were errands to run, and then it was a going away dinner with my brother and sis-in-law. Got home around 9 p.m. Decided to go to sleep early and wake up in the morning to work out.


• Day Four, Today, Monday - I managed to wake my butt up at 4 a.m. this morning (which was not the time I planned on waking up). I was a little upset to see my alarm say 4 and not 5:30 a.m. as I was expecting. Guess I should have been a little more specific in my mantra before going to sleep. Instead of saying "I will wake up early, I will wake up early", I should have said "I will wake up with my alarm at 5:30" and so forth. Well, what can you do? I puttered around for an hour and a half, catching up on my blog reading and e-mails and at 5:30 sallied forth to get my exercise. It was a repeat of my Saturday workout, but I also did a circuit and a half of the Moderate Intesity workout on the same DVD bringing my workout total for the day to forty minutes.

In addition I've been staying on plan and writing down everything I eat. Can I say how much easier it is to keep track of my food on the Weight Watchers iPhone app? The darned thing is always with me and I'm usually using it in some form or another at any given point during the day. I always found carrying around a food journal with me a difficult chore - in so many cases I'd forget it at home or - better yet - it would get eaten up by the vastness of my purse. My phone on the other hand has a permanent home in my pocket or in an easily accesible pocket of my purse.

I'm really feeling good about the whole thing this go-round. Now I just need to remember to muscle through the "I Cant's", the "It's not fair's" and the whole self doubt thing. Still, I know I can do this. This is my time to take care of me and enjoy the process.

My friend Kathryn and I both have a similar amount of weight to lose. At a party several weeks ago (my friend Laura's bachelorette party as I recall) we got to talking about our weight loss journeys and needing a friend to help inspire us. Over text two nights ago we agreed to be each others weight loss checkin buddies. So our agreement is over the next thirty days we'll checkin with each other after our workouts to keep one another accountable, and if we haven't heard from each other we will double check to see if the other has kept up with their goals.

My workout goal for this month is at least five out of every seven days. I've never been great with regular aerobic workout videos, but love the advent of dance based workouts. Currently in my arsenal I have a Bollywood dance DVD, two Tahitian dance DVDs, a Yoga Booty Ballet DVD, and the Weight Watchers Get Fit DVD. My plans are to alternate either by week or day these DVDs with walking and see if I can keep up with it for thirty days. I also hope to add a few more over the course of the month - if I can do a different one every day of the week that would be great.

Some of my friends do hula hoop dance for working out. I was a little leery of it since normal hula hoops don't normally fit my hips and it's s little embarassing, however my friend Megan said she'd make me a custom hula hoop. I'm definitely stoked to try another workout that promises to be a lot of fun.

In other news, I finally went back to Weight Watchers meetings on Wednesday night. I don't know what was keeping me back, but I just decided to go. I need the accountability of meetings and someone else weighing me in. I went back to my old meeting place from 2005 and saw some of the same people It was good to be there, but I'm a little upset that the 50+ lbs to lose meetings are only during the weekdays and at 1pm on Saturdays. Still I'm excited and can't wait to see my progress.

Other than that, it's been a busy week or so. Thursday week last, my hubby and I went to see Rent in San Francisco. It was a blast. Immediately following was my friend Laura's rehearsal dinner and wedding. I was in the bridal party and overindulged a bit at both the rehearsal dinner and the wedding, still I'm happy because I managed to maintain my weight. Tonight we're at the Bridge School Benefit with the headliner of No Doubt. I'm writing down all I eat and attempting to stay within my daily Points, but it's hard when you really want beer and liquor. Still I'm trying.

All in all a fun week which will be made even better if it ends with a weight loss.

Last night, the hubby and I along with a group of friends made our way to San Francisco to go see Rent at the Curran Theatre. It was pretty exciting because several of the Original Broadway Cast Members were touring with the show including the main two leads - Adam Pascal and Anthony Rapp. We all had a great time, but I'll keep my gushing to a minimum.

Over the past couple of years I've learned to really enjoy going to the City - especially once I abandoned the idea of driving there. Just about anywhere you want to go is easily accessible by public transportation and walking, you don't have to pay for parking, and you're actually getting exercise. Go fig.

Normally, when going to the theatre we splurge for orchestra seating, but since we were with a group of friends this time it was balcony seating all the way. Now, the Curran Theatre is an older building so elevators are not the norm, hence we got to walk up and down the stairs (70-80 by my estimate) several times. If this had happened before I decided I needed to lose weight, it would have left me griping about why we pay for the price-y tickets, but I got to thinking - as I traversed the stairs for the second or third time - that it was pretty good exercise. (GO ME!) Spending less money and getting exercise - hmmmmm, this might be something I ponder more often.

Immediately after our drive up to the BART station in Millbrae we planned on stopping at In n' Out Burger for dinner before hopping on to the train. Unfortunately, traffic didn't seem to agree with that plan. It was an immediate trek to the train station with just enough time to add cash to our tickets and get going. I managed to keep my appetite in check all the way through the train ride, show, stage door waiting, autograph signing, walk to the station, and train ride back home without snacking. (WOOHOO!!!) Although it was another story entirely once we reached the car - light headed, punchy and badly needing something to eat, so off to In n' Out Burger we went. I finally got my hamburger of ohtoomanycaloriesandtoomuchfat and ordered a french fry. Yep, there's the problem in waiting that long to eat - the fries sounded delicious and I just had to have them. Fortunately my eyes were bigger than my stomach and my burger was really tasty - that basket of french fries lost their appeal by the time my burger was gone, and I threw out more than 3/4's of the basket. (WOOT!)

Progress on My Goals for this week:

1. Start back on writing down my food plan. - 3 for 3 days so far.
2. Read my response cards twice a day. - 2 for 3 on this one.
3. Walk a little bit every day. - 3 for 3 so far. Yay San Francisco!
4. Try to take the stairs at work at least twice a day. - 2 for 3 on this one, but I've started jotting down when I take the stairs in my food notebook. Yay for accountability.

Notes for myself:
I need to put my response cards in a more accessible place. When I have to hunt through my excessively large purse and/or backpack for them I'm less likely to keep up with them. Must start taking them out of my purse at the beginning of the day and placing them within hand's reach.

The hubby and I are going to In n' Out Burger for dinner tonight before heading into San Francisco to go see a show. Continuing with my efforts not to mindlessly eat three or four burgers for dinner, I headed over to the website to check out the nutritional information. Ouch. Allow me to say it again: Ouch, ouch, ouch. One hamburger the way I like it is nearly 400 calories with 19 grams of fat. Eeeek! Guess I get to have one hamburger and that's it.

Considering steaming two zucchinis before we leave and having that with my hamburger of ohtoomanycaloriesandtoomuchfat.

Over at The Incredible Shrinking Girl she's already put into words how I feel when I read restaurant's nutritional information far more eloquently than I can:

http://shrinkingirl.wordpress.com/2009/08/06/and-they-wonder-why-americans-are-getting-fatter/


http://shrinkingirl.wordpress.com/2009/10/12/nutrition-information-please/

Spent the last week down in Southern California celebrating my first anniversary with my wonderful husband and our friend Courtney's birthday. The group of us are fairly fanatic Disney freaks and so we spent five wonderful days in the Happiest Place on Earth.

I worried for the better part of a week wondering what I would do to keep on plan, and the other part of the week lamented the fact that I would likely gain weight because I would be unable to actually stick to a plan. Without actually knowing where and when we would be eating, I resigned myself to the inevitable and threw the towel in. Fortunately, my new eating habits apparently managed to stick, and although we were snacking all day long, I was mostly able to confine my snacks to smaller and healthier foods that would fill me up and keep me going throughout the day, and make better choices when we sat down to eat. I was rewarded this morning when I stepped on the scale to find that although I had lost no weight, I also hadn't gained any weight.

The one thing I'll say about Disney and dieting is that you're bound to do one heck of a lot of walking. Our daily average on walking was likely somewhere around three miles and at the height I'd say it was more along the lines of six miles. Around and around we went, from attraction to attraction.

On the fourth day we visited the parks all that walking, however, brought one of the worst issues I face with my weight problem to light. Three days of walking, waiting, walking, waiting, walking took a major toll on my lower back. Laughing made my back hurt, walking made my back hurt, standing made my back hurt, and with a sad sigh I had to rent a wheelchair in order to enjoy the last days of our trip. I was mortified, and although I joined in the joke that it was the best fastpass one could get in Disneyland, it embarrassed me to no end that my friends and husband had to push me and my rather large butt around.

Overall, I was pleased with myself and my progress, but I know I can do better. There are ways to go on vacation and stick to a plan, I know it. I let the "it's not fair"'s convince me that I could just let go and do whatever. Fortunately, my subconscious wasn't convinced and refused to allow me to overindulge like I thought I desired. So, that’s a success as far as I’m concerned: my mind knows what I really want and can keep me on track for a short while when I’m bound and determined to drive myself to ruin.

Goals for this week:

1. Start back on writing down my food plan.
2. Read my response cards twice a day.
3. Walk a little bit every day.
4. Try to take the stairs at work at least twice a day.

Weekends usually present me with my greatest weight loss challenges. My inclination is to want to eat out and indulge in any number of terrible foods and I'm more apt to feel like I'm really missing something by following my weight loss plan.

This weekend I had several of those "it's not fair" moments. Those moments where you look at the vegetables on your plate, sigh, and wish you could have that loaded baked potato or the chicken crispers, the french fries, or any number of other items that got me where I am now.

You know what I'm talking about?

I wasn't the best at strengthening my resistance muscle. As a matter of fact over the weekend I did a whole lot of giving in:

• Friday Night: Had popcorn and ice cream at the movie theatre. Popcorn with lots of greasy butter. As credit for myself, I didn't eat the whole bag, nor half of it, I stopped myself after a short while realizing that I was automatically eating because the good was there. Didn't hurt that the movie was severely gross and I should NOT have gone to see it. Note to self: do not see movies that you're even a little wary of because nightmares can and will follow.
• Saturday afternoon: Went out shopping with the hubby, didn't plan ahead and only brought the small purse, hence no smart snacks were on my person. On the plus side, we went to Chili's for lunch and I had soup and salad as my lunch (no cheese, no tortilla strips, dressing on the side). Following lunch, we went to the mall and spent several hours clothing shopping for Dave. Getting a little punchy we stopped at the quickest snack place we could. Coldstone Creamery. My intention was to get a mini Raspberry sorbet - heh. As a positive note, I only had a small mint ice cream with chocolate chips. In the past, my normal order was a mint ice cream with chocolate chips in one of those massive waffles cones covered with chocolate and sprinkles.
• Sunday: After the previous day's unplanned snacking, I brought my big purse with my healthy snacks. I felt pretty well prepared for what the day would offer, and didn't suffer any real cravings until after we left San Francisco and headed home. Instead of going home to eat, the hubby suggested TGIFriday's, and off we went. To my credit, I ordered the right price, right portion of the Shrimp Key West. The plate mainly contains broccoli and then two skewers of shrimp. I finished all the broccoli and had only one skewer of shrimp. On the other hand, I gave in to the siren call of the buffalo wings on our appetizer platter. Once we got home, the snacking continued from there and instead of dinner, I opened up a bag of Tostito's Hint of Lime Tortilla Chips. Didn't finish the whole bag, but it was definitely lighter than when I started.

To sum up, this weekend wasn't great foodwise for me. It was busy and I allowed sabotaging behaviors to get the better of me, however I did recognize that I was snacking and curbed the worst of my desires to overindulge. The next time it happens I will do better.

Now, I'm recommiting to my food plan. I will keep on track this week, I will write down everything that I eat, and I will make a great effort to stick to my weekly goals.

This Week's Goals:

1. Take the stairs at work more often with a target of three or four times each day.
2. Walk at lunch or breaktime at least three times this week.
3. Take hubby out for a walk at home at least twice this week.

Today's To-Do List:

1. Head to the grocery store and pick up foods for dinner party tonight.
2. (Today or tomorrow) Clean out refrigerator, chop up any unused veggies and toss them in the crockpot to make vegetable stock.
3. Get the junk that's been piling up out of the kitchen. Need the cleaned up space for dinner tonight.
4. Get luggage out of storage for anniversary trip starting Wednesday.

Last night my husband wanted pizza for dinner. Pizza. Ah, pizza, how much I enjoy eating thee. Your warm cheesy goodness, your greasy toppings, your crispy crusts all calling to me: "Suzanne, Suzanne, you know you want to eat me, you'll feel like crap later, but for now indulge in my doughy deliciousness". Pizza is one of *those* foods.

Doesn't help that Aunt Flo is a day or two around the corner, peeking her head out to say "Let's Eat!!!"

Fortunately, being one of those people that likes to plan what they're eating ahead of time I had a game plan. It's all part of my neverending quest to function in the real world while losing weight - develop a plan so you can be part of the food fun. Anyhow, I allotted myself two pieces of pizza based on what I'd already had to eat and planned on a big salad as part of my dinner too.

Reality check here: Dave, my hubby, typically orders an extra large pizza for the two of us. In the past, I'd usually eat about a quarter of the pizza, leave the rest to him of which he'd eat about half, then the remainder wound up in the fridge as leftovers. Oh, and he doesn't eat crusts, so I eat those too. After all, you can't waste food, right?

So, Dave - being the absolute doll he is - puts my two slices on a plate and hands it to me. Yes, just two slices and I couldn't help but think how tiny those two slices looked. Still, I started out with the best of intentions to eat just those two slices and then go get my salad. If you're thinking that those intentions flew right out the door once I finished eating those two slices then you would be absolutely correct. I was able to keep it to a third piece of pizza by eating slowly, but there were also all those crusts that my husband won't eat.

It is not a crime to leave food uneaten.

Looking back, I realize my big mistake was not having the salad ready to go while I was busy nomming away. If it *had* been there, instead of theoretically waiting for me to put it together in the fridge, the more likely outcome is dinner would have ended with my yummy spring field greens salad.

Little victories: I didn't pig out on pizza. I only had one more piece than I planned. Next time I will do better.

In an effort to keep moving forward on this new regime, I'm setting some goals for myself and will try to keep up with them on a weekly basis.

This Week's Goals:

1. Take the stairs at work more often with a target of three or four times each day.
2. Walk at lunch or breaktime at least three times this week.
3. Take hubby out for a walk at home at least twice this week.

Today's To-Do List:

1. Practice Arias for MONC Competition on Sunday.
2. Fix any notes not correct in my American aria.
3. Clean out refrigerator, chop up any unused veggies and toss them in the crockpot to make vegetable stock. Get the junk that's been piling up out of the kitchen.
4. Figure out what we're having for dinner on Monday night when we have friends coming over.
5. Get to the Mall and buy top and/or new outfit for competition on Sunday.

Last night, after my voice lesson and in following with our weekly tradition, my teacher, Diane, and I went out for dinner and drinks. Yep, my teacher and I are friends and do these things. Matter of fact, she was one of my bridesmaids. Moving on. Both of us enjoy really good dining and margaritas are things of pure bliss. However, she's stick thin and me? Well, I'm not. I guess you could say I have the look of someone who enjoys good dining - all the time.

So, back to dinner. I made a resolution a few weeks back that I could not allow every meal out to be an indulgence meal... I eat out a lot. Seems like since I made my resolution I find Diane is now basically eating the same way I am - soup, substantial salad, share an unfried appetizer and coffee after dinner. Not a surprise there, we normally discuss our meal choices and this is where a large part of my eating out resolution was formed.

Here's the kicker though, unlike some of my other skinny friends who essentially eat whatever they want when we eat out, I don't feel the deprivation and desperate cravings for foods I cannot eat when I'm out with Diane.

Then it dawned on me -. Diane had said time and again that she watches what she eats, but it never really stuck until dinner last night. She really does watch what she eats in order to stay skinny. Because of my resolution to eat better, she also eats better.

Go figure.

At some point the bright idea got in my head - and stayed there - that skinny people don't have to watch what they eat and can eat whatever they want whenever they want. Yet, here's Diane, eating the same things I do, not going back for seconds on the bread, and watching what she eats. WHAT? I mean, I knew subconciously that it wasn't the truth - after all, thin people get fat, but there's been this subtle disconnect that likely engaged when I started gaining weight. Seriously folks, she's told me this multiple times and it JUST sunk in!

Of course, she has one teensy problem I don't: she has to make sure she eats enough or she'll be skin and bones. Heh.

I guess it makes me feel a little better than even skinny people have to do the same thing I'm doing. Maybe one day it will be as natural a habit for me as it is for them. Here's just to hoping that it's sooner rather than later.

There are just some days it feels like a crime to stay inside and sit at your desk. Today is one of those beautifully windy, but not too windy, days where all you want is to wrap a scarf around your neck, throw on a light sweater, take a good long walk and breathe the fresh air. Sadly, work frowns on randomly leaving your desk for multiple hours to stretch your legs, so I'm left with the view out my window taunting me with gently waving tree branches. (Note the fabulous view from outside my work window)

Truth be told, quite a few of us Californians are pretty much wimps about the weather. It's important to understand, the San Francisco Bay Area really doesn't have four seasons, more like two and a little bit over: Spring, Fall, and a smattering of Summer days. You might think Armageddon itself was raining down on us when we get a rain storm, let alone thunder and lightning. Forget about snow, we don't get snow, don't know how to function in snow, and the couple of times we've had even a light dusting in all the time I've lived here we all stand transfixed at this weird white stuff falling from the sky.

As the temperature drops, my deep-seated desire to bake rears its ugly head - cookies, cakes, fudge, pumpkin bread, zucchini bread, you name it, and there's a chance I will bake it between now and February. It's the time when my cupboards are stocked full of flours, brown and granulated sugars, chocolate chips, molasses, canned pumpkin, and all those other deliciously yummy ingredients needed for fall and winter baking.

Alas, this is also the time of cookie cravings, temptation and diet sabotage. My willpower is at its weakest point and the siren song of chocolate is a very strong lure.

One might be saying to their self that it's a little early to start thinking about Holiday Baking, but I don't do just holiday baking. Oh no, it's a holiday baking season that starts with Halloween and lasts until Valentines Day. And I look forward to it every year. Last year I hosted what basically amounted to "Cookiepalooza" at my house in December. For two days, my friends and I baked and decorated what seemed to be a metric ton of cookies, and as the hosting homeowner we were left with the dozens upon dozens of cookies remaining after each person took home their cookie selection. Peanut butter cookies, snickerdoodles, chocolate chip cookies, sugar cookies, gingerbread cookies and more. Which in my mind translated to "Ooooo, yummy, cookies for breakfast, cookies for lunch, and cookies for dinner! YAYYYY!!!!"

Yeah, no so great actually.

Faced with the rather large weight gain that inevitably followed the After Cookiepalooza cramming-my-face-with-dozens-of-delicious-cookies-session, I realize that I have to approach this baking season with a plan. A plan that takes into account the numerous pitfalls and traps I'm most likely to encounter while allowing me to enjoy myself and have some of those baked treats I look forward to every year. This is not something I can just say "Oh, I'll wing it and be fine", so I'm arming myself with all my weight loss tools, approaching this season with some trepidation, and trusting that I am strong enough to overcome any challenges that might present themselves.

I am the master of myself. Food does not control me. I can walk past temptation and persevere.

One very large test of my willpower is my ability to face the truth rather than ignore it and treating every uncomfortable situation as a joke. The sad fact is that it's easier to be the funny fat girl. The funny fat girl makes jokes about her size and joins in when people laugh at her, then scarfs down a donut. That other woman, the one who is desperately trying to remake her body, has to hide the hurt when some thoughtless person cracks a joke at her size, or some inconsiderate teen yells "moo" as she's taking her afternoon walk. Every day she battles against sabotage and doubt, struggles with temptation and indulgence, and strives to keep her head held high as people sneer and offer opinions when they're not welcome.

Being the funny fat girl is temptation, and it's one I can't afford; each and every day, I remind myself that the funny fat girl while smiling on the outside is a mess on the inside. Even though she can scarf down a double western bacon cheeseburger without a second thought, later that night she's taking heart and cholesterol medication. She might be sitting outside the coffee shop with her triple white mocha and laughing with her friends, but she can't climb two flights of stairs without huffing and puffing. She's the life of the party, but too often she's buying new clothes because her other pair of jeans are just "too tight".

By admitting I have a problem, I become vulnerable. Vulnerable to the people out there who think they know the best way for me to lose weight. Vulnerable to people who mock me and call me lazy when I take the elevator instead of the stairs because my knees hurt and never realize I force myself to take the stairs whenever I possibly can. And, most of all, vulnerable to the demons of self doubt that echo in my ears day by day telling me I can't do it, and should just give up.

Over the weekend I attended a dear friend's bachelorette party. Now, I'll set the scene a bit: my friend is getting married in three weeks time and is in the process of gaining weight so she can fit into her wedding dress. Yes, I said that right, gaining weight. And most of her friends, sisters-in-law to be and family members are equally as small as her. You might say I felt a little out of place in the eating and drinking department, but we still did the typical bachelorette party things - drinking, gossiping, drinking, eating, drinking, etc. While a little bit tipsy, I grew a pair and did something I never do: I told everyone there what my weight was when I stepped on the scale in the morning. And surprise of surprise, no one laughed at me or looked at me in disgust. Better yet, another girl at the party turned to me, spilled the beans on her weight, that she had just as much to lose as me and that it was a load off of her chest to be able to trust that she could say it, and not feel like a bad person.

It shouldn't be a revelation that other people feel the same way as me, but it is, and I couldn't really tell you why. What I can say is this: it feels good to open up and not be hurt.

Okay, world, I think I'm starting to actually learn this lesson - this journey requires me to open up the most vulnerable parts of myself, expose them to scorn and pain because sometimes one simple act of trust rewarded with understanding and friendship can help you feel stronger and more capable of facing the difficulties presented in the future.

Some time back, as I traversed the grocery store, searching for all those yummy foods I love and my husband hates - you know, vegetables - I was caught by the niggling reminder of a sandwich cookie I used to eat when I attended Weight Watchers several years back. Of course, I couldn't remember the name, but the thought, "Gosh, I'd love to have some of those cookies" was on and off in my head all day. Fortunately - I didn't make my way down the cookie aisle.

Sitting down at work today, I began thinking about those cookies again, but not in the same state of mind. Part of the Beck program is teaching yourself new ways of thinking, and I got to thinking about what those cookies really mean. The weight loss industry in America is big. Really, really, really big. Multi-Billion Dollar big, and in keeping with their mammoth size they've released all sorts of substitute foods for the ones us larger people ate to make us large. Usually, they're stuffed with all sorts of ingredients no one can pronounce and we happily buy them because "OMG, I can have cooookkiieees!!!"

I must confess that cookies are one of my major weaknesses and have been since I was a teeny, tiny child, especially the soft baked chocolate chip keebler cookies. If there was a treat I craved more than anything it was those cookies, and my mother would make sure I only had a couple before sending me on out of the house to play. On the other hand, my grandmother, who was a big softy and spoiled me rotten, would buy me packages of them and let me pig out.

But I digress, back to the subject matter at hand: Those cookies* are a trap! (*cookies can be replaced with the name of any evil substitute food). Oh, they look perfectly innocent to the common bystander, lulling you into a sense of complacency with "50 calories a serving, no fat, no cholesterol" plastered across the front of the box. But it's a trick I tell you, a mean trick. Those cookies do nothing but reinforce old habits and sabotage your new, healthier ones.

(Prefacing this next part: in many cases people cannot have real sugar and artificial sweeteners are their only recourse. If that is the case please understand I'm not directing this at you)

As far as I'm concerned, artificial sweeteners are one of the great evils in the world. Time after time I hear of people replacing sugar with Splenda or Aspartame or or or. Then they have their low calorie version of the real thing that they can have *every* day. Yet having that every day treat is just another way to slip back onto that old, worn path; it makes it so easy to lose your focus, transition back to having the real thing every day, and before you know it you're doubling your daily intake of calories.

All of this isn't to say that I don't buy low fat foods because I most certainly do. Low-fat milk, low-fat yogurt, and a number of other low fat items can be found in my refrigerator. I suppose I'm just less inclined to buy something that's a treat food (or substitute food) that I can't make at home with ingredients I already have.

So, I guess, I came to one realization: If I'm going to have a treat, then I damned well want to have the real thing. And if that means I have to plan treats into my day/days, then that's what I'll do and I'll enjoy the heck out of it.

Every person that has decided they need to lose weight has had *that* moment, the moment where they look in the mirror and say to themselves "God, what happened to me? I didn't used to look like this". Over the years, I've had that "OMGyouneedtoloseweight" moment many times; sometimes I listen to that impulse and other times it fades away as I continue munching away on a box of keebler soft baked chewy chocolate chip cookies.

This year will mark my thirtieth birthday. For years I promised myself that by thirty I would get my weight under control, but - unfortunately - the magic weight loss fairy never materialized to zap me in my monumental ass with her cellulitebegone stick. And while I found programs that worked for me and assisted me in losing 50+ pounds, my aptitude for denial, self delusion and sabotage far outstrip my talent for staying with the program and overcoming adversity.

Perhaps the biggest question is why the heck do I want to lose weight? The answer seems pretty obvious, especially at times when I'm feeling really motivated, but - and it's probably the same for most people attempting to lose weight - once you've lost motivation you tend to lose sight of the "why". But instead of going off on a tangent I will list my reasons one by one:

1) I'll be in better health

2) I'll feel better mentally and physically

3) I'll like myself more

4) I'll be happier when I look in the mirror and see myself in pictures

5) I'll have more confidence

6) I'll be able to exercise without discomfort or exhaustion

7) I'll look better

8) I won't mind eating in front of others

9) I'll wear a smaller size

10) I'll be able to wear more stylish clothing

11) I'll be able to shop in the "normal" size section of the department store

12) And on a very personal note, it might increase my chances of being cast in roles in musical theatre and opera.

Starting down the path to weight loss can be scary, but you're never alone. So many other people out there are fighting the same fight, celebrating the same successes, worrying over the same mistakes. There are scores of weight loss blogs out there and reading them only adds to my motivation to actually see this through.

I am just another diet blogger out there among the sea of so many others. I may not be particularly funny or witty, but I'm writing here to keep myself honest and open and on track through the upcoming months and years of weight loss and then, after that, maintenance. I recognize that this is not a sometimes thing, that in order to lose the weight and keep that weight off I'm in for a lifetime of change. I know I am ready for that change, I know I can lose this weight, and I know that I can make myself a smaller me.