Singing for a smaller me

Those cookies I was calling for help with earlier this week? Yeah, they don't seem so tasty anymore (after having one two days ago and one yesterday), especially since I finally forced my ass back on the scale this morning. And my weekend indulgences? Yeah, they seem a little more real now.

Hell, who am I fooling? I didn't track food for four frakking days!!! I ate things I normally wouldn't touch because I gave myself a pass on writing it down. Hello, Mr. Binge, been a while since we last saw one another. And my guilty binge secret? That ginormous bag of "Natural" Cheetos we bought at Costco. You know I didn't even LOOK to see what a serving size was? I just dug in and ate more than half of that bag to my head. Between the DH and I, it was gone by Monday evening. Couldn't tell you what else I ate, but I know it was a lot more than that. Look! I have food amnesia. Ha-f*cking-ha.

Why the Hell do I sabotage all of my f*cking progress like this?????????? I hate, hate, HATE my compulsive freaking eating habit. Seriously. Just when I think I've got this shit under control, I do something like put a massive bag of chips in front of my piehole. Of course, I'm going to sabotage myself.

Yeah, for all of my big talk, this is a constant struggle. I want to have a healthy relationship with food. I really do. But reality is, even with all I've learned, all these bad habits are deeply ingrained. It's said it takes about 20 repetitions or around 30 days to establish a new habit. What people fail to realize is all those other old habits haven't gone away! Every time you fall into the trap of bad behavior, you reinforce old habits instead of strengthening new ones.

Just writing about it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I saw all the warning signs of binge behavior, so why didn't I stop it? And why did I spend so much time laughing about my complete lack of self control last weekend? It wasn't and isn't funny.

There are a lot of ugly thoughts spinning through my head right now. Lots of name calling. Lots of dissatisfaction with myself and giving in.

But enough. I can't continue to beat myself up over this. What I can do is learn this lesson: there's just about enough wiggle room in my life for one event a week (and my progress would definitely prefer one event every other week or once a month). But dinner Friday night, dinner and drinks Saturday night, and binge/bag of chips Sunday and Monday? Way too much.

Hope everyone else has a great day, I'm working at keeping it together and getting that smile back on my face.